Vacation!

Ok. So I'm not actually leaving until tomorrow. But what the hell...why not start early? Anyway, I'm so busy wrapping things up and getting packed that I really don't have much time to write. I'll have my laptop with me during my travels and if I can find the time, I'll try to post something--even if it's just a few photos--over the next few days. Wish me luck and I'll be back on July 7. For those of you stateside, have a great July 4!

Ciao!

To Work or Not To Work...

Last week, I got an email from someone I know who has a writing position available on his team. It's pretty much the type of position I was made for. And we could sure use the extra income (and I could use the additional mental stimulation). So we talked on the phone last Friday. The conversation went well. Sadly, as with all things in life, the job comes with a few catches.

First of all, it's based in SF. And I, in case you aren't aware, live in SanJo. That's about a 45-60 minute drive, one way. On a good day.

Secondly, M is in part-time preschool and Z only goes to daycare once a week. That'd mean a lot of scrambling over the next few weeks to get a nanny who can essentially replace me to care for Z, pick up M from preschool in the afternoons, and keep both kids happy until K or I get home.

So I discussed with K who agreed the only way a job in SF would work is if the employer were willing to work around my needs a tad. I spent about 30 minutes carefully crafting an email designed to convince the hiring manager why he should hire me even though I'd require special handling from the start. And then I hit send.

Shortly thereafter, the universe sent me a few messages.

1) On Friday, a mountain of bills arrived (medical, M's preschool tuition, mortgage payments, credit card payments, etc).
2) On Saturday, I took my car in for a routine 5,000 mile checkup. An hour after dropping it off, the service department called to say there were a few things that needed fixin'. To the tune of $1100.
3) On Sunday, K confessed he was really worried about the viability of his job. He was beginning to wonder if the company would make it to the end of the year.

If I'm interpreting these signs correctly, instead of trying to negotiate with my former colleague, I probably should have said "I'll take it! Whatever it is! I'll take it!" the moment he contacted me.

Or perhaps the universe is testing me to see just how much pressure I can take before I succumb to a nervous breakdown. And once I pass the test, I will be rewarded with riches beyond my wildest dreams.

Whatever the case may be...the truth is, I really don't want to rejoin the rat race right now. I don't want to let someone else take care of my kids full-time. And I don't want to deal with commute traffic, office politics, business trips, conference calls, and the exhaustion and guilt that comes from working all day only to come home and deal with two very small children who want a piece of you until bedtime.

But you know what? If push comes to shove, what I want would just have to take a back seat to what my family needs. And I'd hustle my ass to Modesto to flip burgers if it would make a difference.

Anyway, stay tuned for more fun!

A Slice of My Childhood Has Left the Building

Bummer day. B-U-M-M-E-R.

Today two huge icons from my childhood took off into the great beyond. Yeah, people die every day...people who very likely did more good in the world than these two combined. But still...no one (and I mean NO ONE) made music like Michael Jackson. And even though I was only five years old in 1976 when Farah Fawcett hit the small screen (and the walls of millions of adolescent boys), her feathered hair and toothy smile will always--like disco, roller skates, and frosted blue eye shadow--be an integral part of my memories of the 70s.

Seems to me, the death of a celebrity isn't just about the loss of a person. I mean, we don't know these people from a hole in the wall. We're sad they've died and sad about how they died. But when we mourn the loss of someone famous, I think there's a bit more going on:

1) We're reminded quite suddenly of our own mortality ("If this famous, larger-than-life superstar can simply drop dead, I can too")
2) We're revisiting the memories connected to that person's music, films, etc. and mourning our irretrievable pasts

I was on the cusp of adolescence when Thriller debuted on MTV. I watched it over, and over, and over. I memorized the moves, the lyrics. That video and song are permanently linked with the year we left Georgia and moved back to California. That was a tough year. But Thriller kept it real.

So long to poor, confused Michael Jackson and the lovely and perpetually underrated Miss Fawcett.

Vacation Count Down Begins...

T minus eight days until we leave for Santa Barbara and I haven't organized a FRIGGING thing. This is bad people. Really bad. I don't even have a list yet. WTF?! So tonight, unless I happen to fall asleep in the next 30 minutes (and that's looking more and more likely), I am going to focus on my vacation list so I am not a total basket case come July 1.

I shall also be researching the Unitarians who, at first glance, sound like an interesting bunch. I took this quiz (found on the San Jose Unitarian home page) and these were my results:

Unitarian Universalism (100%)
Neo-Pagan (88%)
Liberal Quakers (86%)
New Age (85%)
Mahayana Buddhism (82%)

I didn't have a clue what the hell neo-pagan or liberal quakers were all about. And wasn't sure what made Mahayana Buddhism any different from plain Buddhism. So I looked it up.

Neopaganism is a broad, catch-all term for religious movements influenced by pre-Christian religious beliefs. Even if you know nothing about neopaganism, you've likely heard about one of its offshoots: Wicca.
Liberal Quakers are essentially quakers of a more liberal bent. Fairly straightforward.
Mahayana Buddhism is the form practiced in India and East Asia: Tibet, Korea, China, Japan, Vietnam. Zen is a form of Mahayana Buddhism. The other well-known branch is Theravada Buddhism (primarily found in Southeast Asia). After skimming several web sites that purport to explain the differences between the two schools, I still have no clue. It's all very complicated and nuanced...something I can't be bothered to figured out just before bed.

Over and out.

Explaining Death to a Three-Year Old

Yesterday, while driving home from preschool, M asked me about our family. She's been doing this a lot lately. I suspect she's trying to make sense of her world and how she fits in to the big picture. First we identified my mom and dad. Then K's mom and dad. Then my mother's mom and dad (both of who are very much alive and kicking). She paused for a minute and asked the inevitable next question: "Who are papa's (my father) mommy and daddy? Where are they?"

I took a minute to collect my thoughts. My dad's mother died just over a year ago. And my grandfather died back in the early 90s. Very recently M and I started talking about death and what it means. But generally I tend to avoid the subject as much as possible because I don't want to cause anxiety or fear.

I glanced at M in the rearview mirror and, in my most confident, matter-of-fact voice said: "Papa's mommy and daddy aren't around any more. They died." Without skipping a beat M asked, "Why did they die?" Small beads of sweat began to form in a variety of locations. "Um...well....they were very, very old and they'd lived long, happy lives and it was time for them to go."

"But where did they go, mommy?"

Where indeed. At this point, the small beads of sweat turned into a torrential downpour (note to self: time to toss out the hippie deodorant and buy something that frigging works). This was not a conversation I was prepared to have. At all. "Well...I don't really know sweetie. Daddy believes when you die, you go to another place. A place where you feel happy and relaxed and see all your friends and family again."

M smiled and, thankfully, did not ask the obvious--to me--next question (what do you believe, mommy?). Instead she hit me with another doozy. "Mommy, will you die? And will daddy?" Oh dear. Below a transcript of our conversation:

J: "Um....Sweetie everyone dies. It's part of life. We are born, most of us live long lives, and then--when we are very old--we die." If we're lucky, of course.

M: "Will I die mommy?"

J: "We will all die someday. But most people don't die until they are very, very old."

M: "Even Z? Will she die?"

J: "Yes sweetie. We all die. This is part of life. But I think you and Z will live for a very long time before you die." Please, please, please God (who I'm not sure I believe in) let this be the case.

M: "But why do we have to die? I don't want you to die! I don't want daddy to die!"

Well fuck. Fuckola. This is the type of conversation M should be having with K. He's our spiritual go-to guy. And much more equipped to navigate an existential chat with a three-year old than your's truly.

At this point, we were parked in our driveway. I got out of the car and hurried over to the backseat where M sat looking miserable. "Sweetpea, mommy and daddy don't plan on dying any time soon. And when we do, you will probably be a very old lady with children and grandchildren of your own." Please, please, please let this be the case. I gave her a big hug. "And remember, daddy believes when we die, we don't go away forever. We just go to another place where we see the other people who we love and miss." At that, M smiled. "And we'll see each other!" I nodded even though, as always, I had my personal doubts about that. But this was clearly NOT the time nor the place to have that discussion.

We got out of the car, woke Z up, and made our way into the house. M was clearly feeling just fine. I, on the other hand, was feeling very troubled.

First of all, I am simply terrified of death. Yes, I realize no sane person looks forward to dying. But now and then I find myself lying awake at night feeling deep anxiety about death and what it will mean for me. Secondly, and possibly the reason for the previous item, I have no religion to speak of. I was raised a Catholic as a child but by the time I'd hit my early 20s, I really hadn't a clue what to believe. At this point in my life, given all the terrible, cruel things that happen to people, I confess to having some serious doubts about God (hopefully if I'm wrong, he/she will forgive me for being such an idiot). And I most certainly do not subscribe to any specific religious faith (but if I had to, it would be something along the lines of Buddhism).

So what do I tell my children to reassure them about death? How am I supposed to instill a sense of peaceful acceptance of the flow of life and its inevitable end when the mere thought of dying gives me heart palpitations and the sweats?

This morning, as I drove M to preschool, I passed a series of churches....all of which appeared to have some form of vacation bible camp going on. Tons of kids were whooping it up with water balloons, bouncy houses, and the like. And I began to remember something Fr. George (the super laid back priest who married us and baptized the kids) once told me: "I don't care what your personal faith is. Find a church--any church--to raise your children in. It can be Catholic, Protestant, Anglican, the Church of Coltrane. Whatever. Just do it. It's important for your children and your family."

I suspect Fr. George was trying to impress upon me the importance of having a tight-knit community in which to raise a family. But now, for the very first time, I'm beginning to see an additional layer to his comment. Even if you're not religious or even spiritual, your children still need some guidance to help them navigate the mysteries, and inevitable sorrows, of life. And last I checked, the non-believers aren't exactly providing me with any pointers.

I still haven't a clue what to do about this. I mean, it would be hypocritical of me to drag my family to church every Sunday if it's not something I really believe in. But I do think it makes sense to expose the kids to something. I'm just not sure what.

Negligent Mom or Overly Paranoid Bystanders?

On Friday, after I picked up M from preschool, the three of us cruised over to Willow Glen (one of those quaint Bay Area villages where only wealthy people can apparently afford to live. Oh, and my friends Becca and Chris). I was/am still on the hunt for a specific book to help M finally wean off of the pacifier. There's an awesome kid's bookstore in the Glen (as I like to call it in order to sound like I actually reside there). I figured if anyone would have it, it would be this place.

BTW, I personally am not one of those parents who has issues with pacifiers. I figure hey, if it makes my kid feel more secure and allows them to sleep more peacefully, who CARES?! That said, I do have issues with my child looking like this (while searching for that photo, I stumbled across this totally inappropriate--yet funny--cartoon) which our dentist ensures me will happen if we don't wean M off her pacifier ASAP.

Anyhoo...the book in question is apparantly out of print. And I wasn't able to find any others. So we left the bookstore sans purchase....

...and that's when it happened. As I walked out, I noticed two women staring in concern and consternation at a large, black SUV parked on the street right in front of the bookstore. One of the woman turned to me with a frown on her face, pointed inside the car, and asked, "Are those your kids?" I looked over her shoulder and, sure enough, there were three children in the car. Two of whom were in car seats and sound asleep. The eldest, who appeared to be roughly seven or eight, was staring at his GameBoy. No parents were in sight. I turned back to Bystander #1 and shook my head. "Nope. Not mine. I imagine they popped into the store for a minute to pick something up. Maybe you should ask inside?" At my suggestion, she was off like a shot. I could see her head bobbing up and down as she swooped in on unsuspecting patrons.

Meanwhile, Bystander #2--a young, attractive gal who (based on her non-existant waistline) had clearly never experienced the joys of pregnancy--looked at me worriedly. "I just can't believe someone would leave three kids in a car like that! I mean, maybe for a few seconds. But I've been out here for at least three minutes and I haven't seen any sign of a parent."

Although I had both my kids with me and Z was obviously jonesing for her bottle, I decided to stick around to see how this whole drama played out. Eventually Bystander #1 emerged triumphantly, and not a little self-righteously, from the bookstore with the wayward parent in tow. She (the mom) was breathlessly trying to explain she'd only gone in for a second, her older son was in the car with the kids, the side window was rolled down so they wouldn't suffocate, but all doors were locked, and the eldest had a cell phone to call her if anything went down. As she was talking, she was also unlocking and hopping into her car as fast as she could. And then she started the car and sped away as only a mom who just missed having the cops called due to her negligent behavior can.

Bystander #1 and #2 looked at me and shook their heads. #1 turned and walked away muttering loudly about careless parents, child abduction, etc. The other gal, who apparently worked in the chic clothing shop next to the bookstore, popped back inside. And I trotted off with my two gals to pick up some ravioli for dinner.

So my friends. Let's chat. Or rather, I'll chat and you can reflect and respond if you so desire.

Which side of the fence do you fall on? Was the mom a careless bimbo who probably deserves, at the very least, to have her children placed in protective custody or, at worst, to be hung at dawn? Has our society become so unsafe that a mother should never think to leave her children sleeping in a car while she pops ten steps away into a store to pick up something they are holding for her? Or could the well-meaning bystanders be overreacting?

All humor aside, I have mixed feelings about the whole incident. On the one hand, I think it's generally a bad idea to leave small children alone in a car for a number of reasons. But I also have sympathy with any mom who is trying to run errands with a car full of children. And I really do have to wonder if--considering the upscale neighborhood, the mother's relative proximity to the car, the older kid inside with a cell phone, the locked doors--the children were at risk of anything at all. That said, I can appreciate the concern of the bystanders too.

Frankly, I'm torn. Life isn't black and white....it's full of those little gray moments that can be so hard to judge and react to. Obviously had this woman been in downtown Oakland at midnight and left her kids in the car while she tried to negotiate with a crack dealer...well, that'd be a pretty clear NO in my book. But middle of the day in family-friendly Willow Glen with as many precautions taken as humanly possible? I'm not sure.

Have things really gone so far downhill since my parents were kids that children are in grave danger if left alone in public for more than a few seconds? Or have we all become more paranoid thanks to mass media and the internet?

My verdict is still out. What do you think?

Your Turn...

I've been spending WAY too much time mulling over whether or not to send Z to daycare once a week OR find someone to watch her once a week at our home. I need help.

Here's the deal.

As some of you may be aware, our daycare provider contacted me last week to let me know that due to health issues, she will unfortunately be closing up shop at the end of July. This would have been a huge tragedy just a few months ago when M was still attending full time. But she's since transitioned into preschool. That said it's still a bummer because Z has been going to this place one day a week for a few months now and we really, really love the owner. If you don't have kids or don't have them in daycare, take it from me: once you find someone you are completely jazzed about, you really don't want to have to start the whole process over again. These folks, in many cases, often become like a member of your extended family. Which makes moving on that much more challenging.

So last week, I reluctantly started looking for a replacement daycare for Z. But it's proving to be a bit more challenging. I only need one day a week. We can't afford more and why bother since I'm at home all the time anyway? Most places do offer part-time care...but generally speaking, the minimum number of days they'll go to is two. That said, I've been lucky enough to find a few that are willing to do one day a week. One of them sounded fabulous until I walked in the door of a beautiful home on a gorgeous Los Gatos street to be greeted by no fewer than six giant portraits of Jesus. Nothing against the J-Man but that's not how we roll at our house. The other was much more my style and came with high recommendations....but it felt a bit too large for my taste: an owner and four helpers. Overall, they serve 50 families.

Right now, the primary reason I have Z in daycare is to give myself one day a week during which I can focus on a) self-maintenance b) errands and c) giving M some solo time with me. To some degree, I’m also doing it to socialize Z and get her used to being around other kids. So for now, given her age and my jobless status, I’m not really in dire need of the perfect place. But when she hits 18 mos, I’ve got a place lined up for her (we’re on the waiting list now). And then she will transition to M’s preschool when she turns three (Today K asked why not just stick her in M's preschool when she turns two. They accept children two years and up. Frankly, much as I love M's preschool, I don't think it's necessarily the right place for kids under three to attend. Feels a bit too independent and I tend to believe children need tons of nuturing for the first three years). Between her current daycare, the potential interim daycare, this place, and M’s preschool—that’s four transitions in a relatively short period of time. Not ideal.

This is why I’m starting to toy with the idea of hiring a part-time nanny. Someone who can come once or twice a week for a few hours to care for Z in our own home. Granted, Z wouldn’t get much social stimulation. But perhaps the transition wouldn’t be as challenging for her since she’d be in her own environment. Of course, it’s not quite that simple. Here’s why:

1) Most part-time nannies charge roughly $15 per hour. I might be able to find someone who charges $12 per hour. Either way, the cost ends up being more than what I currently pay to drop Z off at daycare.
2) If, on the incredibly slim chance, I were to be offered a full-time job…I’d have to scramble to either find a daycare or nanny with full-time availability. But if I already have Z in a daycare on a part-time schedule, chances are they’d be willing to increase her hours as needed (and schedule permitting).

Did I mention this is an incredibly complicated situation? Ugh.

So my dears…I throw myself on your mercy. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

False Alarm....

So...after this post last week, it turns out ALL of the work I was supposed to get was delayed. Which means this next week is actually the one during which I'll have much shorter (or less frequent) posts. Because I am about to get hit with a tsunami of work. See... I thought I was going to get some stuff last week, so I went ahead and scheduled additional work for this coming week. Now, as it turns out, I'll be juggling both jobs in the same week. Unless, of course, one or both of them are delayed again. Let's hope that's not the case....

....because (drum roll please) on July 1 my family will begin our experiment in vacation-sharing with the Adams' family (yes, that's their real name. no, they are nothing like these guys. although that would sure make for a rockin' vacation, would it not?)

And while we're talking about the vacation...I should also mention my blog posts will be dramatically (if not completely) reduced while we're gone. I'm taking my laptop just in case. And I may do a few "photo essay" posts. But don't hold your breath people.

Our Dirty Little Secret

Sounds titillating, doesn't it? Sadly, this particular secret is the exact opposite. But it is dirty. And it most definitely, until now, was a secret.

Without further ado: We. Have. Roaches.

Yes. It's true. And I'm mortified, horrified, and disgusted. These little shits have been our constant summer companions since we moved into this house four years ago. In fact I know summer is officially here--not because of the heat or the date--but because the first roach of the season has made its appearance in our kitchen.

Before you decide to never step foot into my home again, allow me to point out the following

1) we keep a clean home precisely because of the roach problem

2) we seal our food, wash our dishes, sweep and mop the floors every frigging night

3) we remove any visible roach visitors as soon as we spot them...and then reclean the floor to remove any roach cooties

And most importantly

4) yesterday the pest control man made the first of four quarterly visits in an effort to remove, once and for all, our unwanted housemates

Here's how it all went down. In the last week I'd become more and more alarmed by the increasing boldness of the roaches (when's the last time you saw one strolling down the hall towards your bathroom in mid-effing-day?! was he off to have a shower? take a crap?). Then a few days ago, another incident pushed me to my breaking point. I was sweeping the kitchen floor for the hundredth time when a large roach nonchalantly crawled out of my broom. We stared at one another for a minute...and then I freaked out.

The next day, I'd just started researching pest control in earnest, when someone knocked at the door. Normally I make it a habit to ignore all door-to-door salespeople. I can't be bothered. But boy am I glad I opened the door this time! Not only was it a pest control guy, it was a pest control guy for a new eco pest control company who just happened to have an introductory promo. I was probably his easiest sale of the day. And, bless him, he told me we are not the only folks suffering from a roach problem. Apparently our neighborhood has been overrun by them. I've never been so pleased to hear the words, "your neighborhood has a roach issue." It's not just us!! We're not just roach-infested losers in an otherwise pristine suburban enclave!!! The whole damn place has roaches! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ahem.

And so my eco-friendly pesticide company showed up today and jump-started the roach removal process. I can't recall the last time I was so happy to be stuck at home for a few hours when I could have been out frolicking while my kids were at their respective daycare facilities. It was all going swimmingly until just before my new best friend walked out the door. He thanked me for my business, said he'd be in touch, and then as an afterthought said, "Oh by the way, it's likely the roaches will increase their activity in and around your home for the next two weeks or so. This is typically how they respond after a treatment. Don't worry, though. It's totally normal." And with that, he was gone.

Say what?!

You mean to tell me I just paid good money and lost precious hours of frolicking time so a pest control guy could come into my home and provoke my roaches into a two-week long roach rampage? Should I expect them to carry torches and tiny effigies of my family? Or will it be more akin to a mass exodus, a roach Trail of Tears if you will?

Needless to say, if you don't see any new posts for several days in a row, please contact my parents or the authorities.

PS I suspect not a few of you are wondering why the hell we waited FOUR WHOLE YEARS before bringing in the big guns in our fight against the roaches. There are two reasons. First of all, we never had very many of them...just a handful over the summer months. Usually right around the time I'd start looking into calling in pest control, we'd never see them again...until the following summer. Secondly, given we have pets and small children, I have always been paranoid about the whole toxic pesticide thing. Roaches are hard to eradicate completely. Which means most pest control companies use heavily concentrated toxins which they have to spray repeatedly. Not something I wanted my kids or animals to be around.

Parenting for Beginners

NOTE: I was inspired to write this loooooong (you've been warned) post based on an email exchange I had last week with a dear friend (hello M!). She and her husband very recently became new parents and are having a difficult time adjusting. Who didn't? Most of this stuff will probably be old news to anyone who's been a parent for longer than a year. But feel free to add your comments if you have additional words of wisdom!

News Flash: Parenting requires a lot of work. And if you have a partner—I don't care if your family consists of two men and a child, two women and a child, the more traditional configuration, or a pack of wolves—it is very important to develop a strong working relationship with the other parent as soon as possible. You and your partner are supposed to be a team. As in "working together to raise your children to ensure they grow up in an emotionally stable and physically healthy environment."

It sounds great on paper. But it’s not always easy to implement. It can be hard to go from being an independent adult to a parent. And when you've got two adults making the adjustment together, it becomes that much more challenging. The truth is, in order to make it work, you need to figure out how to focus on your child, your individual needs, and the needs of your relationship--all at once.

For those of you who have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and yes, there is a light), allow me to proffer some unasked for advice.

1) Always remember a very small person now relies on you to make decisions on his/her behalf. Rather than let this fact stress you out or depress you…I recommend you simply embrace it for what it is. Sit with it for a while. Let the truth of it sink in. And then let it guide your actions and behavior as much as possible. You’ll make mistakes. We all do. But you’re in luck: children are very forgiving creatures.

2) In the first year of having a child, many of us are intimidated by our new role as parents. Been there, done that. Let's just say until I was forced to return to work after M turned four months old, I spent the majority of my maternity leave a veritable prisoner of my home. I was afraid to go out on my own, terrified of what might happen. And I isolated myself instead of reaching out to other new moms who might be dealing with the same feelings and fears. If this sounds like you, pay close attention to what I'm about to say. Instead of hiding, use this time to empower yourself as a parent. Stretch your comfort zone. Try new things. Join a mom's group. Create some new routines and discard the ones that aren't working. Organize (or re-organize) your life a bit more. Dare to plan ahead. Enjoy yourself. TAKE CHARGE!

3) Before that cute little baby grows into a gun-toting toddler, PLEASE for the love of GOD, try to iron out any issues, differences, obstacles that currently exist between you and your partner. While you may be able to manage a baby with a partner who isn’t on the same page as you, you WILL NOT be able to manage a toddler under the same circumstances. I suspect the most saintly, balanced parents on earth (Joseph and Mary perhaps?) still lost it from time to time when confronted with an angry, backtalking, tantrum-throwing toddler (question: did toddler Jesus ever throw himself on the floor of Joseph's workshop and have a complete 10-minute meltdown?)

4) An unhappy parent does not a good parent make. If you are miserable, angry, tired, overworked, overwhelmed, or all of the above….please, please, PLEASE seek help ASAP. In an ideal situation, your partner will step in and provide support. But if it's not enough OR if you're partner is feeling the exact same way (or just plain useless), then find (or make) a friend, get counseling, hire help….but do not let yourself fall apart at the seams. It’s not good for you, your child, or your relationship. Repeat after me: Being a good parent means I will take care of myself to ensure I have adequate mental and physical energy to care for my kid. It also means I will set boundaries with my partner to ensure I am not stuck doing the bulk of the work. Period.

This next paragraph may sound overly dramatic. But listen up! Statistics show the most stressful time in a marriage is after the arrival of a child. There's nothing like a new baby to force marital issues out into the open. In many cases these issues can be chalked up to hormones, lack of sleep, and stress and tend to fade in the first few months. But in other cases, these issues are symptomatic of a much bigger and more serious problem. Given the whole child and spousal abuse thing, this is not something to be taken lightly. Read on.

5) In the unfortunate event that you have an uncooperative partner (and you're sure it's not just a result of the fatigue that comes with a new baby), I'm very, very sorry. I can't think of anything more wretched than being a new parent while also having to manage a challenging relationship. If you've already tried talking with your partner, going to counseling, or even hiring outside help to give you some downtime--and things still suck--it's time to take a good, hard look at the situation, reread point #1 at the top of this list, do some soul searching, and move into action mode. I can't tell you what exactly you should do in the circumstances. But I will say, based on past observation, if you have to choose between going solo as a parent or staying in a difficult and unhappy relationship, you're better off going solo. Because, if you have an uncooperative spouse...you are, to all intents and purposes, already a solo parent in everything but the legal sense. And meanwhile, all that stress and negative energy is slowly sucking the life out of you and your child.

6) Last but not least, as you and your partner start figuring out this whole parenting thing and what it means for you as individuals and a couple, I highly recommend you invest in at least one or two really good discipline books. I can hear you now, "Discipline?! Are you serious? My baby is so sweet...and I'm never going to [fill in the blank with discipline technique your parents used which you swore you'd never, ever do]!!" Yes, I know it's hard to believe. But that sweet little lovebug you snuggle with and coo over every day will quickly evolve into a child with opinions, thoughts, emotions, and a voice of his/her very own. And the toddler years, while incredibly fun and exciting, can also be equally frustrating, maddening, and stressful. Best to start arming yourself with some good advice and techniques so you are as prepared as can be when the time comes. I HIGHLY recommend this book and this book for new parents. One gives a good overview of the positive discipline technique. The other talks about ages 0-3 and what you can do. When your child nears age three, pick up this one.

Being a new parent is both incredibly blissful and highly challenging. But it's doable. For millions of years, women and men have raised children in all sorts of circumstances. Many have done it alone. Regardless of what your situation is, remember this simple fact: you CAN do it. And, in spite of the challenges, it truly will be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. That's a promise.

The Mystery Object

I had a longer post lined up for today but after stumbling across the object in question, I knew the longer post would have to wait.

Before I tell you what the object is....let me show you a photo. And then feel free to guess its identity (or select from the multiple choice options below). First a close up shot:

Now for the multiple choice quiz. Is this:

a) The remains of the giant alpaca K and I were trying, unsuccessfully, to raise in our back yard
b) A monster dust bunny
c) My failed attempt at knitting K a birthday sweater
d) K's old Marie Antoinette-style wig (from his drag queen days, of course)
e) None of the above

Before I reveal the true nature of this mystery item, let me show you yet another photo...this time to allow for proper perspective.

Truth, my friends, is stranger than fiction.

This afternoon I decided to sweep our garage (alert the media). Perhaps, in the above photo, you noticed the tiny dog door close to the pile on the ground? Well, we have pugs. Two of them. But only one of them really sheds. That would be Lucie. And this pile, my friends, belongs to her. God help me but I am STILL trying to figure out how on earth Lucie could possibly shed this much frigging hair in the span of just a few weeks!! For the record, this pile of dog hair is actually bigger than she is. Where the fuck is it coming from?!?! And when will it stop?!

Now a funny aside. Martha, the nice gal who cleans our house twice a month, came over today. She walked into the garage to get the cleaning supplies. And then I heard a sharp cry, as if she'd been bitten...or, more likely, received the shock of her life. I darted across the living room and into the garage and caught her staring in horror at the giant hair pile from hell. I'd left it next to the mop bucket and and completely forgotten about it due to some other distraction. Poor Martha!

A word to the wise: pugs are cute, pugs are fun, but pugs (in particular the fawn ones) are NOT for neat freaks or people with allergies.

Busy Week Ahead

This week, two rather monumental things have occured.

1) I, happily, was asked by a former colleague to do some freelance work for his company. This is excellent news as far as extending my unemployment checks go. But it's not the greatest news when it comes to doing much else in the evenings. Because the only time I really have to do any freelance work is at night after my little rugrats have gone to bed.

2) This morning, I logged on to email and was greeted by a surprising post from Z's daycare provider (formerly M's daycare provider). It turns out, and I'm still not exactly sure why, she has decided to close her business at the end of July. This isn't a major catastrophe in my world considering Z spends four out of five weekdays with me. It's not like I have to scramble to find another daycare. But...were I to suddenly find myself employed again, I definitely would need to have a trusted care provider lined up to take Miss Z. Not to mention, my family has built a relationship with Lena and the other kids who go to her daycare. I'll be sad to sever those ties (Because, let's be honest here. As much as we'd like to stay in touch with these people, we probably won't. Not because we're lazy or don't give a shit...but because these days, we only have time to focus on the strongest connections. Sad but true).

As a result of these two events...I shall be spending a big chunk of my free time this week doing freelance work and trying to secure a new daycare for Z. Which means my posts may be a tad on the short side...and perhaps not as regular.

So that's it for today....wish me luck with my projects and fingers crossed the freelance gods look upon me with kindness again in the near future. If you or someone you know of are looking for a freelance copy/content writer and/or editor....drop me a line. (no, I couldn't resist pitching my business. but really, can you blame me? how the hell else am I supposed to get work?!)

Suburban Survival 101

Last week I read one of those rare books that completely changed my perspective. It also scared the living shit out of me. And then gave me the motivation I needed to make a few changes. But first, the book.

Neil Strauss's, Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life--which I'd heard about via the Amazon monthly book recommendation list--was both less and more than I expected. Since my intention in this post isn't to do a full book review, I'll simply say what started out as one of those "urban hipster decides to do something different and slightly wacky for a year of his life and then write a funny yet oddly moving story about it" books rapidly, after the first few chapters, turned into a serious, if utterly paranoid, survival manual. Thankfully it also never quite managed to lose its humorous, self-mocking tone. If you're interested, you can find out a lot more about the book and the author here. (Oh, and btw, I feel compelled to mention there is one animal death in the book. If it makes you feel any better, the author felt, and likely still feels, tremendously bad about it).

Now onto my post.

I live in earthquake country. You may live in tornado alley. Or a flood zone. Or be intimately familiar with the sound of tsunami sirens....or the sight of giant plumes of smoke from annual summer fires (or, God forbid, a volcano). Whatever the natural disaster, we humans and the creatures with whom we share our planet are incredibly vulnerable to the elements.

We're also incredibly vulnerable to the insanities of our fellow humans in the form of terrorists, lone gunmen, and the like.

I know some of this stuff could happen to me. And, as in the case of the next big earthquake, I am pretty sure it will happen to me...unless I move. But aside from owning a now expired fire extinguisher and a two-year old family earthquake kit, I and my family are SO not prepared to meet the next disaster. Were San Jose to be struck by a ginormous quake this very moment and were it as catastrophic as all the scientists are predicting, we, barring some incredibly good luck, would be screwed. Royally.

Which is why the Neil Strauss book was such a God-send for me. I may not be interested in learning how to live off the land (which he does), kill for food (which he, reluctantly, does), evade and escape capture (which he does). Nor have I even remotely achieved his level of paranoia. But I'd sure as hell like to know the bare minimum of what my family should do in the event of a wide-scale emergency a la Katrina or the L.A. riots. Since, let's be honest, there is only so much running and screaming one can accomplish after the shit hits the fan.

If you don't have time to read Strauss's book or it's just not your bag, here's some food for thought...and a few things you might want to consider so you too can be prepared for the big What If:

1) In the U.S., the government and all statewide emergency support agencies operate by the three-day rule. What does this mean for you and I? ALL citizens should be prepared, in the event of an emergency, to subsist for up to three full days without the help of governmental emergency relief. Period. In other words, each of us should have three-days worth of food, water, shelter, and basic first-aid training to take care of ourselves and our families with no outside help. This isn't to say emergency relief won't try to help you...but given the travesty of Katrina, I think it's best to assume you won't get help immediately and should be as prepared as possible.

2) On that note, there is a statewide program, CERT that anyone can participate in. The fees are relatively low ($40 in my area) and last 20 hours over a period of one to two weeks. CERT, which stands for Community Emergency Response Team, was originally founded by the LAFD in an effort to keep the community as prepared as possible in the event of a large-scale quake. The feds took note of the program's success and decided to implement it across the nation. Most communities offer some form of CERT course. You can, if you choose, take the longer course to become a certified CERT member (and get a nifty jacket to wear) or attend a free two-hour course to give you the bare bones info you need to stay prepared. CERT doesn't just prep for natural disasters, it also preps for manmade disasters and provides key training in first-aid, how to handle hazardous materials, search and rescue, and more.

3) In the event of a disaster, you may very well be called on to provide some form of CPR and/or first aid to a family member or neighbor. While the CERT program covers some of this, it really only gives you the CliffsNotes version which may or may not be enough. I recommend you consider signing up for your local Red Cross's CPR and first aid courses. And if you have kids (or are thinking about it), definitely consider taking an infant and child CPR class. (For you pet lovers out there, they also offer a pet first aid course!)

4) If you live in a natural disaster zone, your local Red Cross or city government web site will most certainly have basic info on what you need to do to prepare your household for an emergency (in terms of supplies to purchase, immediate steps to take during and after said emergency, escape route and meeting point planning, etc). For those of you in earthquake country, this site has loads of info.

5) In the event of an earthquake, do NOT run and stand in the nearest doorway of your home. This, in spite of all the advice to the contrary, is likely to get you seriously injured or killed. Instead, go immediately to the nearest big table, crawl under, and assume a fetal position. If the only big table in your home or office happens to be near a big window (as it does in my house), be sure your back is to the window.

Preschool: The Honeymoon is Over

Yesterday, for the first time since she started preschool one week ago, M stated that she did not want to go. Needless to say, both K and I were a bit taken aback by this. Last week, she raved about preschool. Couldn't wait to get there. And in spite of a few setbacks (one pee accident, three missed naps, and a few uneaten lunches) she seemed pretty happy with things. But suddenly, today, all of that appeared to change.

M: Mommy, my not want to go to preschool today.
Me: Hmmmm. Why not?
M: My just not want to go.
Me: [exchanging glances with K] Ok. Well can you tell me why? Last week you really seemed to like it there.
M: My not like the kitchen lady.
Me: Who?
M: The kitchen lady. My not like her.
Me: Um. Ok. Do you know her name?
M: [Silence]
Me: [changing tactics] Let's think about what fun things you are going to do today at preschool. Do you think you'll paint today?
M: My not going.

Uh-oh.

Let me back up a bit. The "kitchen lady" is, I suspect, the teacher who is currently overseeing the Math, Science, and Nutrition area of the school. In a nutshell, each teacher rotates with her group through the various areas of the school over a period of a few weeks. M only really interacts with the kitchen lady during lunchtime because the kids eat in the area that she currently oversees. I've seen this gal before...in fact, she was the one who gave me the original tour of the place (and she did a fantastic job too). She seems harmless enough...maybe a bit louder than M's regular teacher but certainly not mean to the kids. In fact, she's been with the daycare since it opened nine years ago.

But maybe she's only nice when the parents are around. What if all the teachers turn into raging beyotches as soon as the mommies and daddies leave? What if they've got some sort of secret cabal going on? A mini-sweatshop where the kids are forced to glue the soles on hundreds of athletic shoes and threatened with torture if they dare breath a word about it? Hmmm.

So I probe a bit further.

Me: M, does the Kitchen Lady scare you?
M: No.
Me: Well, has she done something to someone else that you didn't like?
M: No.
Me [perplexed]: Then why don't you like her?
[long silence]
M [suddenly bursts into tears]: My not WANT to GO!!! My not like naptime.
Me [oh dear]: Well let's talk about this.

After a few minutes spent chatting about naps, why she at least needs to rest even if she can't sleep, how she misses me at naptime and wants to come home, etc....I begin to think we've come to an understanding. M has calmed down and appears to be looking forward to going....

...only to turn into a quivering mass of fear when I bring her to preschool and start the good-bye process. It took me 15 long minutes before I could flee and sadly, I left a sobbing little girl behind me.

Enter separation anxiety and deep parental guilt, exit happy mornings. Damn.

If you've never dealt with it before, separation anxiety can be a nasty mo-fo. It's often incredibly sneaky and rears it's ugly head when you least expect it. And once it starts, it can be VERY challenging for parent and child to overcome. I knew M's behavior last week was too good to be true. Last week it was all new and exciting. But now, the reality of the situation has begun to sink in. She's not going back to daycare. She won't see her old friends every day. There are new rules she has to pay attention to...and more kids to contend with.

When I got home after dropping her off, I immediately went online to see if I could find some advice on how to manage through this whole thing. Based on what I read, I more or less completely botched things up. I stayed far too long when I really should have kept our goodbye brief and cheerful. I didn't leave her with a comfort item (although in my defense, I did try to find a family photo but wasn't able to). And K and I hadn't spent much time talking to her about the--seemingly obvious--fact that when we drop her off, we most certainly have every intention of coming back to get her.

Thankfully, I happen to have a secret weapon in our hall closet. See...every once in a great while (I say this in case K happens to be reading this post) I will purchase a little something or other for the kids that strikes my fancy. Usually it's a book. Most recently, I picked up this book at Amazon. We have the first two books by this author and M really seems to enjoy the little lama and his travails. As it just so happens, this latest book is all about coping with going to a new preschool and separation anxiety. And as luck would have it, M always responds well to stories about whatever issue she's currently dealing with (fears, emotions, potty training, independence, etc).

So we read the story at bedtime and then talked about it. Then this morning, at the first sign of tears during her drop-off, I reminded her of the story and how it turned out ok for the little lama. She wasn't thrilled when I left...but she did hold it together reasonably well and when I peeked back in the window to see how she was coping, she'd already moved on to do some easel painting with her teacher.

Hurray! Or I suppose I should say, hurray for today. God knows how next week's going to go.

Homemade Marshmallows

I have decided, after spotting this recipe on the Smitten Kitchen blog and giving it about five seconds of deliberation, that I shall make homemade marshmallows for our upcoming family vacation to Santa Barbara. Yes, I realize this is probably at the very bottom of the list of items I should be pondering with regards to our trip (Spf 30 sunscreen? check. Infant Tylenol? check. Diapers? check. Homemade marshmallows? check.) But given my whimsical (K would probably call it "erratic") nature, I have decided the children should not be deprived of the myriad joys resulting from roasting homemade marshmallows on a stick.

If you have to ask "why?!", I can only assume you've never actually tasted a homemade marshmallow before. In which case, words really cannot describe....but I shall give it my most valiant attempt.

Let's see. I suppose the best place to start is by confessing that until the day I actually tried a homemade marshmallow, I was most certainly in the "I hate marshmallows" camp. Sure, I was happy enough to munch on the charred and goopy ones hanging at the end of a campfire stick. But I could never understand my mother's deep, abiding love for Nabisco's Pinwheel Cookies (basically a large marshmallow resting atop a graham cracker covered in milk chocolate) or the huge cult-following of those god-awful Marshmallow Peeps (apologies to any Peeps fans out there). That said, I do clearly remember eating half a jar of Kraft Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Cream as a young kid. But that was out of sheer desperation. Anyway, you get the point.

Then one day, a few years ago, I stumbled across a ridiculously overpriced, beautiful package of "handcrafted artisan marshmallows" at Whole Foods. Having never heard of such a thing and always a sucker for great marketing, I bought a bag. I had no idea what to expect. I mean, these things looked nothing like the marshmallows I grew up on. First of all, they were big. And square-ish (no perfectly shaped, uniform blobs here!). And appeared to be lightly covered in what looked like powdered sugar.

Well. Not only did they look nothing like packaged marshmallows. They tasted nothing like them either. Honestly, Kraft and the other peddlars of mass-produced marshmallows should be ashamed of themselves. IMHO, we consumers are owed a big apology for being duped all these years. Because compared to the real thing, bagged marshmallows taste like shit.

Real marshmallows are truly sublime. The "original" flavored ones typically taste and smell of vanilla bean, are less dense than store-bought, and melt obligingly in your mouth. They add a creamy, frothy je ne sais quoi to hot chocolate. They are also excellent for campfires (but be warned, they tend to cook faster than their grocery store counterparts). They are, in a word, delicious....

....and relatively easy to make! Having said that, if you need marshmallows as an added ingredient for another treat (fudge or brownies or cookies or Rice Crispy Treats) then I might recommend either buying the hand-crafted version at an upscale food store or biting the bullet and grabbing a package at your local supermarket. Because let's be honest, unless you're Martha Stewart, you're not going to have the time to lovingly handcraft marshmallows solely for the purpose of using them as an ingredient for another recipe.

BTW, while researching this post, I stumbled across this brief history of marshmallows (the treat) on my beloved (if sometimes erroneous) Wikipedia. Who knew?

Stop Your Whining...

I was just perusing Salon when I came across this article. I confess it made me feel not a little guilty, especially after this lengthy rant about working and parenting.

The truth is, even if I do have to return to work in the not-too-distant future, it won't happen for several months and it's something I'll have ample time to plan for in terms of arranging childcare, making the mental and emotional adjustment, etc. And let's face it. My life can't suck that badly if, in spite of our living off of a single salary (plus unemployment checks), we can still afford to rent a vacation home in Santa Barbara for a week in July. And send both our kids to part-time daycare/preschool. And have a house cleaner come twice a month. And buy most of our food at Whole Foods.

Yeah, we're having to live without. But this is living without a la "30-something Yuppy" style. As in, "I guess we won't be going to the Big Island this year" or "We should probably hold off on buying that new car until the economy turns around" or "Let's only go out to that five-star restaurant once every few months instead of every month." This isn't living without the way most poverty-level folks do. As in, "We're going to have to skip lunches this week" or "We don't really need the heater on as long as we stay bundled up in layers" or "You're only going to live with grandma and grandpa for a little while until mommy can get back on her feet."

And then I was reminded of an email I receieved a few days ago from a fellow mom who urgently needed help. I belong to a South Bay parent group called Las Madres, of which there are a few thousand members. Confession: I only signed up so I could use the parent chit chat email list (as you have probably surmised, I'm not much of a joiner). Anyway, one email caught my eye because of the heading which read "Looking to earn any extra money--please help." I've included the copy from the actual email at the end of this post below, in teensy type (because it's rather long).

Bottom line? Times are tough for everyone. And my family is definitely feeling the crunch. But my version of tough times is, most certainly, someone else's version of a relatively pleasant and stable existence.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the gal who sent the email received a flood of responses from numerous people who wanted to help her out. She sent out a thank you email shortly after. And I think, at least for the next few weeks, she and her husband will be able to relax a little bit.

Email:

I am running out of options so I thought I would try you ladies. My husband was laid off 3x in the past 12 months (he is in sales) and we are hurting very badly right now. Thank God he has finally gotten a new job but his first day was today and he will not get a paycheck until the 15th. We don't even have enough money in our bank account to put gas in my car and I am looking for something I can do to earn some money to tie us over.

The training for his job has taken him out of town for 3 weeks and I am the only caretaker for our child so if you, or anyone you know, has anything I can do from my home I am more than willing to help!! I have a huge background in admin and also a background in real estate.I type 55+WPM and have extensive computer knowledge. I can even do something as simple as stuffing envelopes for someone, I just need to make money quickly.

I cannot do any manual labor as I am in waiting to have surgery on a tear in my knee (when it rains it pours.)
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I deeply appreciate anyone who can lend me some work in this tough time for my family and I.

Best Regards,
S.

Great TV for Young Kids

UPDATE:
I received an email newsletter this morning with info about movies and shows perfect for preschoolers and common sense guidelines about limiting TV time. Take a look here, here, and here.

Anyone who knows me is at this moment, based on the title of this post alone, likely thinking I've gone off the deep end. In case you aren't aware, I've been given the dubious distinction amongst friends of being one of those whacky "anti-TV" people. But that, my dears, is for another post (and one that's coming soon, don't you fret!).

In the mean time, I wanted to talk about a handful of really great programs I've come across for kids*. They are all available on DVD (which is where I found them) and low on the parental annoyance scale (PAS for short. If you're wondering, Barney and Elmo are at the top of the PAS scale with Mr. Rogers somewhere near the bottom). And if you're not too keen on the idea of your kid glomming onto Dora and Thomas and Friends, then these are perfect.

Oswald
I heard about Oswald via several reviews on Amazon.com. I was trying to find some mellow but fun kid shows we could bring with us on a flight overseas. Something to keep M occupied without over stimulating her. Enter Oswald.

This series, which originally aired on Nick Jr. several years ago, features a loveable blue octopus, his dog, his two best pals: Henry (a slightly phobic penguin) and Daisy (a devil-may-care walking, talking flower), and a number of the denizens of Big City--the playful yet funky little town where Oswald and his friends reside. Each episode is filled with gentle humor and subtle lessons about helping others, sharing, being flexible, not hurting feelings, and more. As an added bonus, Oswald is voiced by none other than Fred Savage (a la The Wonder Years and, as I just discovered via IMDB, now a relatively successful director in his own right. Who knew?).

Oswald is perfect for the youngest TV viewers. M was almost two when we whipped out the Oswald DVDs during a trans-Atlantic flight and she could easily follow the story lines. Warning though: Kids older than three or four may well find the show a tad slow-moving and uneventful.

Peep and the Big Wide World
Peep is a recent discovery for me. Peep and the Big Wide World currently airs on Discovery Kids. But I stumbled across the show on a DVD at the local library and checked it out on a whim. Friday night at our house is "Movie Night." So after dinner and bath, M gets to settle in with some popcorn and a short film. Peep premiered at our house a few weeks ago and garnered HUGE kudos from Miss M. The truth is, I've never heard her laugh so hard at a cartoon as she did at this one. And ever since, she has requested more Peep.

Peep is a little chick, recently hatched. He has two friends, Quack (a duck) and Chirp (a baby red robin). Each episode features the three friends exploring the natural world around them. At the end of each episode, there is a brief live sequence during which several young children explore the various themes of the show. Peep is incredibly charming and sweet....and very funny. It's definitely geared towards kids ages three and up. Younger kids might not get the gist of the dialogue or humor.

The narrator of each episode is none other than the fabulous Joan Cusack. And the catchy theme song is by Taj Mahal. What's not to like? Oh, and if you visit the Peep website (link above) you can, for free, view a new episode a day.

Didou/Louie/Sam (Honorable Mention)
This little fellow has more aliases than Jason Bourne. He's originally of French origin (where he's known as Didou). Then I discovered him in the UK (Louie). And most recently, while searching for a gift on Amazon, he popped up in several children's books under the name of Sam. I first knew him as Didou thanks to some DVDs we received from our French-American friends. I love the show but sadly, I have yet to find any DVDs in the U.S. Hence the honorable mention. I keep looking, though.

*A quick note about TV viewing for the little ones. Most of you have probably heard, in some form or other (unless, of course, you are not from the States), a version of this report released by the American Academy of Pediatrics. In a nutshell, it states parents should--as much as possible--avoid exposing kids aged two and under to TV. Developmental delays as well as attention deficit issues and weight gain have been linked to TV viewing (even passive TV viewing) for kids younger than two.

Some more recent studies have backed up this statement even further but have also conceded that TV viewing (in reasonable doses and minus commercials and violence) doesn't have any major negative influences on kids three and up.

Because I personally prefer to sit down with my laptop or a book, limiting TV viewing hasn't been all that challenging for my family. Now that M is three, I tend to use TV to keep her occupied when a) she's sick b) I briefly need to focus on her sister (especially when I need to put Z down for a nap) c) the weather is inclement out and I have run out of all other entertainment options or d) as a special treat.

Unless you leave the TV on all day in the background or allow your kid to watch for hours on end, I seriously doubt it's going to do any developmental damage.

A Pox on Crappy Children's Gifts (and How to Avoid Them)

I've had the pleasure of attending more than a few children's birthday parties over the past few years. I've witnessed a variety of cakes, themes, games, parenting styles, and favors. Most importantly, I've seen stacks and stacks of gifts...ranging from uber-elaborate, to eco-friendly, to classic, to downright cheap and tacky. For the purpose of today's post, I'd like to focus on the cheap and tacky gifts.

I suspect a few of you are already thinking less of me based on the title and first paragraph of this post. Before you totally disown me, a few quick points:
1) I realize gifts are not mandatory and we (and our children) should be grateful for whatever we receive
2) I also realize aside from the wealthy, not everyone can afford to purchase handcrafted wooden toys made by a charming elderly couple in the Swiss Alps
3) And not all partygoers actually have young kids (or kids at all)...which can make gift selection a challenge

In summary, I am not a complete asshole who sits around judging people by the gifts they buy for my or anyone else's kids. I know first-hand what a pain in the ass it is to try to find the perfect gift for someone else's child...especially if I don't know the kid that well or haven't a clue what they're into. Even more challenging is trying to find the perfect gift on a budget. I've been there, done that...many, many times.

But even I, in my most desperate moments, have never stooped to buy a cheap bargain-basement hell toy (that said, I've definitely given a few duds...but at least they were well thought out duds). Cause you know, nothing says, "I couldn't be bothered to put any thought into your kid or your kid's party" than a dollar-store neon squirt gun pack with the price tag still attached (this is an actual gift I spotted at a party last year. for a little girl, no less).

If I may be so bold, I'd like to throw out some suggestions to help our gift-challenged friends. Feel free to forward anonymously (if you can do such a thing) should you know of someone in need of a gift buying makeover.

I only have $10 to spend. Books, my friend. You can NEVER go wrong with a book. Think dinosaurs and pirates for boys, princesses and fairies for girls (sexist? probably. but I promise very few little boys would appreciate a princess book...that said, I most definitely was the type of little girl who would have appreciated a book on dinosaurs). I guarantee there are $10 children's books at Target or in the bargain stacks at Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or Amazon. Don't bother with a card...just reuse a gently worn gift bag, toss in some tissue paper, write the kid's name on the outside, and voila! instant classy gift which the parents will thank you for and the kid will enjoy.

I can't afford to spend much at all for an upcoming party but the hosts bought my child an incredible gift for her party. How do I reciprocate? Gift buying isn't (or shouldn't be) a contest. The point is not to get something of equal or greater value than what you received. It's to find something that suits the recipient and doesn't take ages to find or put you in debt. If, however, you are still feeling inadequate...then a great way to remedy this is by asking if you can help out with the party. Bring food, plan a game, stay after and help clean up.

I really haven't a clue what to purchase little Johnny or Jane but want something unique and affordable. What about a magazine subscription? There's something out there for just about every age group, even the pre-readers. And most of the good kids' magazines are gender-neutral. Some of my favorites:
For animal lovers
Wild Animal Baby (0-4), Your Big Backyard (3-7), Ranger Rick (7-Up)
For book lovers
Baby Bug (6 mos-3), Ladybug (3-6), Spider (6-9), Cricket (9-14)
For science and history lovers
Click (3-6), Ask (6-9), Muse (9-14)
For archeology lovers
Dig (9-14)
PS Purchase any one of these at Amazon and save up to 40% off the regular subscription price.
PPS No, I'm not shilling for Amazon.

I think kids these days get more than enough gifts as it is. Why bother? I tend to agree. But rather than risk looking like a curmudgeonly schmuck by showing up empty handed or with something you picked up at the dollar store, why not make a donation on behalf of the birthday girl or boy? You name the price, you're doing something good for the planet, it's tax deductable, it'll help teach the kid something important about giving and receiving gifts, and the parents will thank you for not adding more crap to the toy box. A great place to donate is the Nature Conservancy. They have lots of package options and typically send all kinds of neat magazines, stickers, certificates to the donatee.

Aside from the squirt guns you mentioned, what does a cheap gift look like? And how is "cheap" any different from "inexpensive"? Inexpensive is just that...a gift that fits your budget. In my book, a cheap gift is frequently a toy that:
1) you'd typically see as a party favor or stuffed in a pinata
2) is a knock-off of a brand name toy (is Disney spelled with a "z" a la Dizney? it's a knock-off)
3) falls apart or stops working shortly after it's opened
4) was returned previously (as in the box is taped shut with masking tape or the packaging is visibly damaged) or has clearly seen some prior use
5) is made out of foam, foil, soft breakable plastic
6) you are secretly worried might give your child lead poisoning or cancer should they attempt to put it in their mouth

Before I close this lengthy post, I wanted to draw attention to hand-made gifts. These are a LOVELY idea and certainly worth considering if you have a talent like knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, painting, etc, etc. But I do want to remind you that sometimes these gifts are best left for children too young to care (babies and such) and--most importantly--girls. A girl of any age might cherish a handmade quilt or photo album. Most boys could give a crap. Don't waste your time on them unless you know this particular fellow has an eye for handcrafted items.

Now go out there and spread the word. And repeat after me: No More Shitty Gifts!

PS If you are reading this blog and secretly wondering if you are a cheap gift giver, let me put your fears at rest: no, I seriously doubt it.

Cool Find: FooGo Kid Thermos

If you don't have kids or you live in a place where the Thermos brand doesn't exist, feel free to bugger off to another blog or look at this, this, or this.

Are they gone? Thank God! As for the rest of you, come closer and let me share my latest find.

With M in preschool, yours truly is now expected to pull a nutritious and tasty lunch out of her nether regions FIVE DAYS A WEEK. Given the complete lack of success I've had thus far (the preschool teachers kindly--or perhaps scornfully?--stuff all uneaten food back into M's lunchbox so I can stare perplexed at the leftovers and wallow in my inadequacy) I was beginning to worry my child would get rickets or scurvy (neither of which, in spite of the humorous slant of this post, are laughing matters. just ask my grandpa).

So I decided to try another tactic: enlist M as a lunch spy. That's right! After a few well-placed comments mixed with a dash of "let's play a fun game! It's called tell mommy what your friends had for lunch," I convinced M to pay close attention to what her pals were eating at preschool and then report back to me.

At first, my plan appeared to have one or two major flaws.

Flaw #1) Most three-year olds have the attention span and memory retention of a gnat

Flaw #2) Most three-year olds are incapable of providing nuanced descriptions of what their friends are eating

This resulted in a few false starts, ranging from "My not want to talk about lunch all the time!" to "Well, one girl had crackers and something else...something red...it spilled on her shirt and she cried. then teacher came and took her to the bathroom. and she got a sticker! My wanted a sticker too..."

But then, on day three of the mission, I hit the proverbial jackpot. When I asked M what her friends were eating for lunch, she told me one of the girls had pasta. My ears perked up. "Pasta? Was it cold?" M shook her head, "No. She ate it out of a big thing with a spoon." A big thing? Hmmm. "A bowl?" M shook her head again, this time with a slight roll of the eyes (as if to say, God my mother is a moron. This doesn't, BTW, bode well for the teen years). "No mommy. My said it was a big thing! Not a bowl. It was shiny."

At that moment it clicked. Shiny, big, hot food. A Thermos! A-ha!! I'd finally found a loophole to the "please don't send lunch items that need to be heated up prior to eating" rule. And really, one has to wonder how idiotic I am to have completely overlooked Thermoses in the first place.

Off I popped to the Thermos web site where I found this. And then off I popped to Amazon to see if I could find it for less (I did) and in pink (I did). Now we are the proud owners of a Foogo (by Thermos) leak-proof food jar. And the damn thing actually works!! As in, the food stays warm for hours. Not only that, it's eco-sensitive and chemical free....and even if the food inside is boiling, it won't scald little hands. It's also the perfect size for small lunch bags.

Glory Hallelujah!

So should you find yourself in need of a mini-Thermos for your child you can, thanks to moi, skip the whole research thing and go straight to the store. No need to grovel. A simple thank you will do. Or if you insist, a gift card to Burke Williams Day Spa.

Work, Money, Family: Striking a Balance

A few days ago a friend told me about a discussion she'd had recently with her husband.

But before I get into that, let me give you some background. My friend was laid off from her job shortly after me and, also like me, instantly turned into a full-time "stay-at-home" mom. While the transition wasn't easy (take note working moms and dads...going from a full-time desk job to a full-time parenting job is not for the faint of heart), I think it's safe to say she's happier now than she was at her paying job. She gets to spend more quality time with her young children--something she personally finds very fulfilling--and the frequently immense pressure of being on at work and at home is no longer hers to bear.

Unfortunately, as is often the case--particularly with families who have suddenly gone from having two breadwinners to one--she and her husband will soon need to figure out their finances. She's still receiving unemployment and that'll tide them over for a few more months at least. But when it stops...what next?

So as I was saying at the start of this post, she and her husband recently had a conversation. It went something like this:

She: We need to discuss our finances.
He: Yes indeed. I think you need to start looking for a job.
She: [silence]
He: Something wrong?
She: Well, it's just that being at home feels like it's the right thing for me to do at the moment. I think it's good for the kids too...and I'm happier.
He: Yeah, but pretty soon we're going to need more money. And what about the decision we made to send the kids to that private school? We won't be able to afford it on our current income.
She: Yes, well, that goes without saying. But why do I need to make the sacrifice to go out and get a job? Is that the best decision for our family?
He: But what else can we do?
She: Have you considered going and getting yourself another job? One that pays more?
He: But I LIKE the job I have now!
She: And I LIKE the job I have now!
-- long pause --
He: But you're not earning a paycheck.
She: No. But I am raising our children and keeping our household running smoothly. And I'm happier now than I ever was at work. Isn't that more important?

Indeed.

Why, I feel compelled to ask, are we parents forced to choose between our personal happiness, our kids, and money? It hardly seems fair.

Please understand. I'm not judging parents who prefer to work outside the home. I realize career fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes whether your career is that of a business executive or a stay-at-home parent. And I do believe, with some planning, it is possible to work outside the home full time or part time and continue be an excellent mom or dad. Just as it is possible to spend the majority of your time taking care of young kids and still be an intelligent and articulate person.

But why is it that one of the most important jobs of all--raising the next generation of voters, politicians, healers, scientists, parents, artists, etc--constantly feels like it's getting shoved to the back of the closet? Why should dedicating your life to editing and writing marketing copy for a mid-sized enterprise (as I did for many years) be treated as any more important than raising a family?

Based on the conversation between my friend and her husband, the fact that she is happier with her kids and feels being at home with them is the right thing for her family obviously doesn't carry enough weight in the bigger picture. I suspect you are only permitted to keep a job you enjoy if it either pays enough to keep the family afloat or you are independently wealthy and therefore don't have to worry about your income. I also suspect this is a realization anyone from a lower income family came to a long time ago.

What's my point? I'm not entirely sure. It'd be pretty silly to expect stay-at-home parents to get a paycheck. Or would it? What about France or Germany or Italy or all the other countries that make every effort to ensure parents have the full financial support and time they need to stay at home with young children?

I find myself wondering if any studies have been done that link lower child abuse and divorce rates with countries that provide extensive financial and career options to parents. I wouldn't be surprised. I mean how great would it be to know that when and if you did return to work, the job you left would still be waiting for you and your children would be placed in high-quality, state-run care centers which cost--at most--10% to 15% of your income? And how great would it be to receive paid leave until each child's third birthday? Talk about taking a HUGE weight off of moms and dads. If this is what socialism looks like, sign me up!

Ok. I realize it's not all sunshine and roses over in Europe. And while some things, like childcare and parental paid leave and job protection, are super cool...there are lots of other things that aren't so great (None of which come immediately to mind at the moment. I can't stop thinking about the 30+ days of vacation time our Froggy friends receive every year).

But I digress.

Anyway, is it really so much to ask that we, as a society, place more value on raising (and educating) our kids than we currently do on the almighty dollar? Because as I look around me at the continued fallout from our failed economy, I have to question how well our current values are working. And these children who we are all struggling to find time for in-between 6:00am conference calls, mandatory lunch and dinner schmooze fests, international business trips, and the constant--dare I say neurotic--checking of our Blackberries, they are the ones who are going to have to clean up the mess we've left behind.

Shouldn't we at least ensure we're doing all we can to start them off on the right foot by supporting their parents? After all, happy, fulfilled parents make great role models and are likely to produce happy, fulfilled children.

PS After I finished this post, I stumbled across a book review on Salon that talks a little bit about some of the things I mention above (but be warned, it's primarily targeted towards women).

Glory Be! A Vacation! (and some tips on how to rent a vacation home)

If you read this post, this one, and this one...you've heard me bitch ad nauseum about how I didn't think we'd be able to manage a vacation this year (apologies. but then it's partially your fault for reading this crap in the first place). It turns out if you complain enough about something...the universe will get tired of hearing you whine and will either a) grant your wish or b) smite you on the spot a la Old Testament Yahweh. Thankfully, I was the recipient of option A.

After a brief chat with my friend Becca, a conversation with K, a peek into our bank account (not for the faint of heart, btw), and several days spent scouring the web for the perfect locale and rental home, I stumbled across this place in Santa Barbara. After more discussions and back and forth email exchanges between myself, the property owner, and Becca...we decided to rent the place for a week in early July.

So my friends, the VDB and Adams clans are going to attempt our first multi-family vacation together. It will either be the most fabulous time of our lives....or we will, on day three or four of the trip, stop speaking with one another completely and refuse to mention each others names ever again. While a Montagues vs. Capulets-style feud would certainly spice things up in our dull suburban lives, I personally hope we have nothing but fond memories of this trip.

The fun officially begins on July 1. If you happen to have any tips or advice with regards to Santa Barbara or surviving multi-family vacations, please share. And stay tuned for more....!

PS Regardless of where you currently reside on the planet, should you ever be interested in renting a vacation home anywhere on earth (aside from the Artic and war-torn parts of the world), I can highly recommend VRBO.com. We've used them for several trips, including this one, and have yet to be disappointed by the properties we've stayed at. When I use VRBO, I feel confident I'm not getting lured into some dodgy horror movie-type setup the way I do with Craigslist.

PPS The trick for successfully renting a vacation home are as follows:
1) Always try to book at least two to three months in advance (and if you are looking for a property during a high-volume season like the holidays or summer, book at least four months in advance).
2) Don't fret if you waited until the last minute to book. You can, like we did this go-round, find some great spots thanks to last-minute cancellations.
3) Try to spread out your options as much as possible. In other words, while you might have your heart set on one property, be sure to request availability for at least four or five.
4) If you are using VRBO, be sure to check the date last modified in the "property availability" section. This will give you a sense of how frequently the owner is checking and updating the calendar. Unfortunately, some folks who are no longer renting have yet to pull their rental ad from the web site. And some folks are total slackers when it comes to keeping their calendar updated.
5) Before you agree to anything, always read carefully through the rental contract and check for any hidden fees.

Miracle Pills or Coincidence? You Decide.

First of all, I want to make it totally clear that I have NEVER been a proponent of homeopathic medicine. I'm reasonably open minded when it comes to alternative treatments and have had a lot of success with some forms like chiropractic and massage therapy. But homeopathic meds have not worked for me or anyone in my immediate family. And for the most part, I've been inclined to chalk up any success people have had with them as a placebo effect.

So when I was at our family naturopath a month ago and she recommended a homoepathic treatment for viral infections, I was skeptical at best. But I didn't want to seem like an ungrateful wretch because, truth be told, this doc has had more positive impact on my family's health than any other mainstream physician we've gone to in the past three years.* And so I smiled and nodded and let her convince me to purchase a single pack of ten reputedly anti-viral homeopathic pills. Which I then took home and promtply forgot about. Until a few days ago.

If you read my last few posts, you'll know M came down with a cold late last week. It actually started on Tuesday with a stomach ache and fever. Then seemed to vanish. Only to morph into repeated sneezing, a runny nose, and a nasty cough. I was feeling rather desperate by Friday morning. I'd pretty much kissed my birthday trip to Sonoma good-bye but was not looking forward to a weekend with a sick kid. And then I remembered the pills Dr. Fox gave me. Figuring, "What the hell do I have to lose?" I opened them up, gave M the recommended dose. And waited.

Now here's the thing. Maybe M just happened to have a super mild cold. Or it was a case of bad allergies. But whatever the reason, shortly after she started taking the pills, her energy level shot up, her nose stopped running, and she was--if not completely healed--definitely on the mend. By Saturday, all that was left of the cold was a lingering cough. And Sunday, I spent the morning feeling irked that we'd cancelled our trip for nothing. I said something to K who casually mentioned that the last time he'd gone to see Dr. Fox, a gal had been at the front desk buying dozens of boxes of these pills. She apparently swore by them, said they were miracle workers and the only thing that helped her family get through cold and flu season in tact.

Hmmmm.

Where does this leave me? I most certainly won't go so far as to say I've done a complete about-face with regards to homeopathic remedies. The logical portion of my brain still thinks homeopathy is a bunch of BS. However I'm starting to wonder if maybe there is, perhaps, something to it. I guess the only way to really know is to go through a few more viral infections and have them miraculously vanish overnight while taking these pills.

Anyway, if you care to join me in my experiment, you can order the brand online here or here (and most likely in a number of other places). I don't think they carry them at Whole Foods, though. The recommended dose for kids of all ages who are suffering from a cold or flu is 1/2 pill every three to four hours. If you simply want to try these as a preventative measure, you can give your child 1/2 pill every two weeks (same dosage applies for adults, simply replace 1/2 pill with a whole pill). As with most homeopathic meds, it's best to let them dissolve in the mouth rather than chew them. For babies, you'll want to mash the pills before placing them in your child's mouth.

Oh, and if you have concerns about giving your kids random pills, please note that homeopathic treatments are incredibly mild, don't have side effects, and are very difficult to overdose on. And they taste sweet (so kids don't mind them). Really, the worst that could happen is nothing at all.

*Lest you think I've gone off the deep end and become one of those folks who shuns mainstream doctors for crystal healing shakra therapy and the like, let me put your fears to rest. I personally believe there is a place for both types of doctors and so far, I've found that a judicious combination of our regular family doc and our naturopath offers the very best of both worlds.