Our Dirty Little Secret

Sounds titillating, doesn't it? Sadly, this particular secret is the exact opposite. But it is dirty. And it most definitely, until now, was a secret.

Without further ado: We. Have. Roaches.

Yes. It's true. And I'm mortified, horrified, and disgusted. These little shits have been our constant summer companions since we moved into this house four years ago. In fact I know summer is officially here--not because of the heat or the date--but because the first roach of the season has made its appearance in our kitchen.

Before you decide to never step foot into my home again, allow me to point out the following

1) we keep a clean home precisely because of the roach problem

2) we seal our food, wash our dishes, sweep and mop the floors every frigging night

3) we remove any visible roach visitors as soon as we spot them...and then reclean the floor to remove any roach cooties

And most importantly

4) yesterday the pest control man made the first of four quarterly visits in an effort to remove, once and for all, our unwanted housemates

Here's how it all went down. In the last week I'd become more and more alarmed by the increasing boldness of the roaches (when's the last time you saw one strolling down the hall towards your bathroom in mid-effing-day?! was he off to have a shower? take a crap?). Then a few days ago, another incident pushed me to my breaking point. I was sweeping the kitchen floor for the hundredth time when a large roach nonchalantly crawled out of my broom. We stared at one another for a minute...and then I freaked out.

The next day, I'd just started researching pest control in earnest, when someone knocked at the door. Normally I make it a habit to ignore all door-to-door salespeople. I can't be bothered. But boy am I glad I opened the door this time! Not only was it a pest control guy, it was a pest control guy for a new eco pest control company who just happened to have an introductory promo. I was probably his easiest sale of the day. And, bless him, he told me we are not the only folks suffering from a roach problem. Apparently our neighborhood has been overrun by them. I've never been so pleased to hear the words, "your neighborhood has a roach issue." It's not just us!! We're not just roach-infested losers in an otherwise pristine suburban enclave!!! The whole damn place has roaches! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ahem.

And so my eco-friendly pesticide company showed up today and jump-started the roach removal process. I can't recall the last time I was so happy to be stuck at home for a few hours when I could have been out frolicking while my kids were at their respective daycare facilities. It was all going swimmingly until just before my new best friend walked out the door. He thanked me for my business, said he'd be in touch, and then as an afterthought said, "Oh by the way, it's likely the roaches will increase their activity in and around your home for the next two weeks or so. This is typically how they respond after a treatment. Don't worry, though. It's totally normal." And with that, he was gone.

Say what?!

You mean to tell me I just paid good money and lost precious hours of frolicking time so a pest control guy could come into my home and provoke my roaches into a two-week long roach rampage? Should I expect them to carry torches and tiny effigies of my family? Or will it be more akin to a mass exodus, a roach Trail of Tears if you will?

Needless to say, if you don't see any new posts for several days in a row, please contact my parents or the authorities.

PS I suspect not a few of you are wondering why the hell we waited FOUR WHOLE YEARS before bringing in the big guns in our fight against the roaches. There are two reasons. First of all, we never had very many of them...just a handful over the summer months. Usually right around the time I'd start looking into calling in pest control, we'd never see them again...until the following summer. Secondly, given we have pets and small children, I have always been paranoid about the whole toxic pesticide thing. Roaches are hard to eradicate completely. Which means most pest control companies use heavily concentrated toxins which they have to spray repeatedly. Not something I wanted my kids or animals to be around.