A Pox on Crappy Children's Gifts (and How to Avoid Them)

I've had the pleasure of attending more than a few children's birthday parties over the past few years. I've witnessed a variety of cakes, themes, games, parenting styles, and favors. Most importantly, I've seen stacks and stacks of gifts...ranging from uber-elaborate, to eco-friendly, to classic, to downright cheap and tacky. For the purpose of today's post, I'd like to focus on the cheap and tacky gifts.

I suspect a few of you are already thinking less of me based on the title and first paragraph of this post. Before you totally disown me, a few quick points:
1) I realize gifts are not mandatory and we (and our children) should be grateful for whatever we receive
2) I also realize aside from the wealthy, not everyone can afford to purchase handcrafted wooden toys made by a charming elderly couple in the Swiss Alps
3) And not all partygoers actually have young kids (or kids at all)...which can make gift selection a challenge

In summary, I am not a complete asshole who sits around judging people by the gifts they buy for my or anyone else's kids. I know first-hand what a pain in the ass it is to try to find the perfect gift for someone else's child...especially if I don't know the kid that well or haven't a clue what they're into. Even more challenging is trying to find the perfect gift on a budget. I've been there, done that...many, many times.

But even I, in my most desperate moments, have never stooped to buy a cheap bargain-basement hell toy (that said, I've definitely given a few duds...but at least they were well thought out duds). Cause you know, nothing says, "I couldn't be bothered to put any thought into your kid or your kid's party" than a dollar-store neon squirt gun pack with the price tag still attached (this is an actual gift I spotted at a party last year. for a little girl, no less).

If I may be so bold, I'd like to throw out some suggestions to help our gift-challenged friends. Feel free to forward anonymously (if you can do such a thing) should you know of someone in need of a gift buying makeover.

I only have $10 to spend. Books, my friend. You can NEVER go wrong with a book. Think dinosaurs and pirates for boys, princesses and fairies for girls (sexist? probably. but I promise very few little boys would appreciate a princess book...that said, I most definitely was the type of little girl who would have appreciated a book on dinosaurs). I guarantee there are $10 children's books at Target or in the bargain stacks at Barnes and Nobles, Borders, or Amazon. Don't bother with a card...just reuse a gently worn gift bag, toss in some tissue paper, write the kid's name on the outside, and voila! instant classy gift which the parents will thank you for and the kid will enjoy.

I can't afford to spend much at all for an upcoming party but the hosts bought my child an incredible gift for her party. How do I reciprocate? Gift buying isn't (or shouldn't be) a contest. The point is not to get something of equal or greater value than what you received. It's to find something that suits the recipient and doesn't take ages to find or put you in debt. If, however, you are still feeling inadequate...then a great way to remedy this is by asking if you can help out with the party. Bring food, plan a game, stay after and help clean up.

I really haven't a clue what to purchase little Johnny or Jane but want something unique and affordable. What about a magazine subscription? There's something out there for just about every age group, even the pre-readers. And most of the good kids' magazines are gender-neutral. Some of my favorites:
For animal lovers
Wild Animal Baby (0-4), Your Big Backyard (3-7), Ranger Rick (7-Up)
For book lovers
Baby Bug (6 mos-3), Ladybug (3-6), Spider (6-9), Cricket (9-14)
For science and history lovers
Click (3-6), Ask (6-9), Muse (9-14)
For archeology lovers
Dig (9-14)
PS Purchase any one of these at Amazon and save up to 40% off the regular subscription price.
PPS No, I'm not shilling for Amazon.

I think kids these days get more than enough gifts as it is. Why bother? I tend to agree. But rather than risk looking like a curmudgeonly schmuck by showing up empty handed or with something you picked up at the dollar store, why not make a donation on behalf of the birthday girl or boy? You name the price, you're doing something good for the planet, it's tax deductable, it'll help teach the kid something important about giving and receiving gifts, and the parents will thank you for not adding more crap to the toy box. A great place to donate is the Nature Conservancy. They have lots of package options and typically send all kinds of neat magazines, stickers, certificates to the donatee.

Aside from the squirt guns you mentioned, what does a cheap gift look like? And how is "cheap" any different from "inexpensive"? Inexpensive is just that...a gift that fits your budget. In my book, a cheap gift is frequently a toy that:
1) you'd typically see as a party favor or stuffed in a pinata
2) is a knock-off of a brand name toy (is Disney spelled with a "z" a la Dizney? it's a knock-off)
3) falls apart or stops working shortly after it's opened
4) was returned previously (as in the box is taped shut with masking tape or the packaging is visibly damaged) or has clearly seen some prior use
5) is made out of foam, foil, soft breakable plastic
6) you are secretly worried might give your child lead poisoning or cancer should they attempt to put it in their mouth

Before I close this lengthy post, I wanted to draw attention to hand-made gifts. These are a LOVELY idea and certainly worth considering if you have a talent like knitting, sewing, scrapbooking, painting, etc, etc. But I do want to remind you that sometimes these gifts are best left for children too young to care (babies and such) and--most importantly--girls. A girl of any age might cherish a handmade quilt or photo album. Most boys could give a crap. Don't waste your time on them unless you know this particular fellow has an eye for handcrafted items.

Now go out there and spread the word. And repeat after me: No More Shitty Gifts!

PS If you are reading this blog and secretly wondering if you are a cheap gift giver, let me put your fears at rest: no, I seriously doubt it.