Before I became a mother, I -- not surprisingly -- read dozens of books on the topic. I learned all about pregnancy and fetal development, I immersed myself in nutrition books, discipline books, general health and well-being books. I became an expert in the various ways to give birth...from the mundane (hospital? check. epidural? check) to the profound (giant home-birthing tub and two nude parents semi-immersed in warm water? check. long-haired midwife w/ vaguely pagan name and plant-dyed clothing? check). By the time M came along, I felt like a veritable font of information and mother wisdom. All seemed well. At least, that is, until one night not too long after M's birth when it became painfully obvious to me that all those books and web/magazine articles had left a glaring omission: nighttime parenting.
You see, it's all well and good to be a fabulous parent during the day when your kids and you are relatively upbeat and capable of resolving issues together as a team (I can dream, can't I?). But what's a gal/guy to do when said parenting obligations do not take a breather after the kiddies and parents have gone to bed? Between you and me, I believe some of the most critical parent successes and blunders take place at night, in the wee hours after midnight when only truck drivers and 20-years olds are awake. So why on earth does no one want to talk about it?
Sure, sure....there are hundreds of books out there that deal with how to get your infant to sleep through the night. And that's a great place to start. But it's not as if a child's sleep issues suddenly vanish once they reach 12 mos of age. However you might think this was the case given the almost complete lack of books about toddler, preschooler, and grade schooler sleep issues and the impact it has on parents.
If you are still reading this post and wondering what in the hell I'm going on about...consider yourself a very lucky person. If you have a child, yours is one of those blessed "good sleepers" and the only time you've found yourself stumbling blindly about in the dark at 2:00am is when said child isn't feeling well. For the rest of us, we desperately need a manual on how to continue to be a responsive, patient, and calm parent when woken repeatedly every night for the past three months. Because after a long day of caring for young children, we parents need some coping tips on how not to turn into a deranged asshole when said child(ren) forcibly yank us out of a deep slumber to deal with nightmares, thirst, hunger, the call of nature, wet sheets (or PJs or both), a desire to sleep with mom and dad, and much, much more.
As you might surmise...K and I have not been blessed with great sleepers. Z actually isn't all that bad aside from her obvious delight in selecting random nights during which she refuses to go to bed until at least 10:00pm and then spends half the night trying to play with us in the middle of our bed. M, however, is a different kettle of fish altogether. Her night wakings have become the stuff of legend in our home...only, I might add, to be topped by her father's responses to said night wakings. See here's the thing: no one likes to be woken at an ungodly time of the night, especially by a child who appears determined to ensure that all other households within a three-mile radius participate in our nightly shenanigans. But K has taken it to a whole new level to the extent that I now privately refer to daytime K as Dr. Jekyll and nighttime K as Mr. Hyde. Seriously, it's mind boggling to me how the patient, mild-mannered daytime K can transform into a maximum-security prison guard after midnight.
This certainly isn't meant to bash poor K. He works long hours most days and is understandably miffed when his much-needed sleep is regularly interrupted every night by our two kids. And I'm not exactly Mary Sunshine myself during these nightly wakings. Which, to bring this post full circle, is why I firmly believe parents desperately need to be taught coping skills on how to manage their children after hours. Because like it or not, you don't stop being a parent once the lights are off and until the sun peeps up over the horizon the following morning. But no one seems willing to address this fact or the obvious issues that crop up as a result (sleep deprivation, bad sleep habits, etc). For example:
How does one retain a sliver of humanity when faced with a screaming three-year old at 2:43am? Especially when said child refuses to quiet down and ends up waking her previously slumbering younger sister?
How should one parent respond when the other has apparently become possessed and possibly slightly insane as a result of being awoken by a screaming child? Especially if the non-possessed parent is also tired and close to the end of his/her patience?
Should smelling salts be deployed? A quick smack to the face? Cold water? All of the above?
And what are the rules of engagement for the next morning after a night of theatrics that would make Shakespeare himself gnash his teeth in pure envy? Apologies? Hugs? Pretending it never happened? A discussion about why it's not ok to scream for 15 minutes straight in mommy and daddy's bedroom after being repeatedly asked/begged/threatened to stop? A gentle suggestion that mommy/daddy may want to consider keeping a bottle of Valium next to the bed "just in case"?
And if it doesn't work? Then what?
Folks, I think I'm on to something here. This could be a whole new money-making gig for therapists and pharmaceutical companies. You heard it here first! Truthfully, I'm desperate for a solution of some sort...or at least some support and possible coping mechanisms. Because I am sick of playing musical beds and Jungian psychoanalyst at 3:00am. Because I am tired of playing referee between a demon-possessed child and her father. Because for just one @#!$! night, I need to get some goddamn sleep!!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I "Heart" Pandora
Now that I'm officially a "stay at home" mom (as in I've completely given up on finding any sort of job in this shitty economy) I'm starting to understand why so many of those 1950s housewives became closet alchoholics, fled home, or worse a la Revolutionary Road. It's not the grim repetitiveness of the housework (laundry, dishes, dinner, shopping, repeat) or the sometimes head-banging frustration of being trapped for a large chunk of time with two children under the age of five. Or at least that's not it for me. Because I actually enjoy being with my kids...a lot. Instead, it's the feeling of isolation....a sense of the world passing me by, of all sorts of interesting things going on without me, as I wipe someone's butt for the fifth time in two hours. The fact that we opted out of cable/satellite last spring doesn't help. Aside from what I glean via the internet, which is admittedly quite a bit, I honestly am so out of the fucking loop it's not even funny.
Which is why I want to give a shout out to my new best friend: Pandora. For those of you who do not have some sort of digital video player (DVP), then Pandora isn't going to seem that interesting. Yeah, it's pretty cool how it can create an entire radio station for you based on a favorite song or band. But the internet version has all the same crappy ads as any other internet radio station. However Pandora via DVP is 100% ad free. Which means awesome song after awesome song without any ad interruptions.
Ok...so I'm still isolated. But now my house is, at any given moment, hosting Lady Gaga, The Black-Eyed Peas, Bob Marley, The Shins, Talvin Singh, Vampire Weekend, MGMT. Which means I'm less likely to pull a Sylvia Plath in the near future. (tasteless? probably.)
Who says we stay-at-home moms can't be hip?
Which is why I want to give a shout out to my new best friend: Pandora. For those of you who do not have some sort of digital video player (DVP), then Pandora isn't going to seem that interesting. Yeah, it's pretty cool how it can create an entire radio station for you based on a favorite song or band. But the internet version has all the same crappy ads as any other internet radio station. However Pandora via DVP is 100% ad free. Which means awesome song after awesome song without any ad interruptions.
Ok...so I'm still isolated. But now my house is, at any given moment, hosting Lady Gaga, The Black-Eyed Peas, Bob Marley, The Shins, Talvin Singh, Vampire Weekend, MGMT. Which means I'm less likely to pull a Sylvia Plath in the near future. (tasteless? probably.)
Who says we stay-at-home moms can't be hip?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And Around and Around We Go....
Yes, it's been a while. Chalk it up to a) a truly horrific trip to Ireland (I feel I can be totally frank about this since my in-laws don't have access to this blog) b) several weeks of non-stop illnesses and c) a very wet and gloomy January. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder when the Four Horsemen will ride into town.
But that's not what I'm here for. Tonight, I would like to rant -- yet again -- about school. After taking a brief hiatus from insomnia-inducing worrying about where to send M to school in, wait for it, 2011....I dove back in with a frenzy over the holidays and have been at it since. It's been quite a trip.
First off, though, I feel the need to defend myself. While I am obviously addicted to a) parenting books and b) worrying about my children's education...I honestly do not consider myself a school snob. I spent some of my childhood in private schools, but I also spent a good portion of it in some excellent (and not so excellent) public schools both in Georgia (excellent) and California (not so excellent). In fact some of my fondest memories are those from my time in public school...when the Georgia public schools were well-funded and not under constant pressure to perform to a series of tests in order to receive additional funds. We had P.E. every day (though this is NOT a source of any fond memories for me) and a full band and orchestra and choir and tons of art classes. Sigh. I digress. My point is, I didn't start this journey with a chip on my shoulder about public schools.
Back to my current investigations. Frankly, I feel like I'm going in circles. Just when I think I've reached a conclusion or found a solution...something else rears it's head (ugly or otherwise) and I'm thrown right back into the chaos of trying to figure out what the fuck we're going to do.
A while back I mentioned homeschooling but at the time, I was pretty much against the whole damn thing. It just felt like way too much effort, to be brutally honest, and possibly a recipe for how to raise the next Unabomber. But now I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm feeling more and more that it might not be such a bad gig. The fact is...there are an endless number of homeschooling formats to fit every family and temperment under the sun. You can do it all yourself...you can go the "unschooling" route which is where you let the kids lead while you discretely follow...you can sign up with a "virtual" school (of which there are many) and get the help of certified teachers along with a structure curriculum and even school-hosted social events/extracurricular activities and sports...you can hook up with other homeschoolers in your area and form co-ops where you share/trade educational skills and resources...or you can do a little of everything. In fact, the amount of choices are kind of overwhelming and hard to digest in one go.
Why am I circling back to the idea of homeschooling? Aside from the fact that I am at home full time and it's incredibly affordable when compared with private schools....I read a few books. "Of course you did!" I can hear you say. Well what did you expect?! Anyway, first up was the rather depressing and eye-opening book by John Taylor Gatto. An award-winning New York City public school teacher for over 30 years, Gatto has an insiders view of what's wrong with the system. His first book, Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling, is a no-holds barred look at everything that sucks about how education is managed in the U.S. and many countries in the western world. I suspect Mr. Gatto has Libertarian party leanings but once I got past that, I found his short book breathtaking in its ability to poke holes in many of the things we have taken for granted about schooling and education in this country. While he doesn't go so far as to push homeschooling (at least in this book), Gatto is a big proponent of individualized, interest-led learning, less breadth and more depth, the removal of grades, homework, and all the other trappings of today's schools. (quick side note: did you know the whole structure of school: the ringing bells, the rows of desks, the 45 to 60 minute classes, etc were created as a way to prepare 19th century American children for jobs in 19th century factories? Fascinating! And begs the question: why are we still using this format 100 years after the end of the Industrial Age when hardly anyone works in a factory?)
While reading Gatto's book, I was also dabbling in another book...recommended to me by a child therapist: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gordon Neufeld. The focus of this book is less on education (although that does factor in) and more about today's peer-oriented culture and how it damages parent-child relationships and also meddles with normal child development. The gist is parents should be less worried about their child's social life and more focused on deepening the family connection. And if this gets in the way of peer-relationships, all the better. Perhaps you can see how this also feeds into the homeschooling concept. What better way to protect kids from peer influence, bullying, and the bullshit that is today's adolescent culture than to nuture and educate them at home while still providing social opps outside the home? BTW, even if you think the book's premise is total bunk...it's worth a read just to get another point of view.
I finished both books around the same time. And by this point, dear Reader, I was close to a nervous breakdown. But did I stop? No! My next book was all about Waldorf...an educational method that has long intrigued/baffled me. I picked up this book: Understanding Waldorf Education: Teaching from the Inside Out by Jack Petrash (kisses to my handy Kindle which was able to provide instant book gratification even while in Ireland!). Much to my surprise/amusement, the foreward was written by none other than the aforementioned John Taylor Gatto. This seemed like a sign of some sort...and indeed, the book helped me understand and respect the whole Waldorf thing without going into some of the founder, Rudolf Steiner's, more -- er -- interesting ideas. While I suspect Waldorf only works for certain types of personalities...it sounds like the type of school I would have LOVED as a child.
So where does that leave me now? Well, I've signed up for four school tours in the next four weeks (all private; one Montessori and one Waldorf, two more traditional, all with small class sizes and a focus on the individual) and I have been investigating homeschooling on the side (just in case the whole lottery/windfall inheritance thing doesn't pan out). I've decided for good that public school just isn't going to work for us, good district or otherwise. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not ANY school will work...but that's TBD. I want my kids to enjoy being kids minus the pressure to grow up fast. And between you and me, college aside, some of my best learning experiences were those I pursued OUTSIDE school on my own time with a helpful nudge or two from my parents. Might this also be the same for most kids, including my own?
To be continued....
But that's not what I'm here for. Tonight, I would like to rant -- yet again -- about school. After taking a brief hiatus from insomnia-inducing worrying about where to send M to school in, wait for it, 2011....I dove back in with a frenzy over the holidays and have been at it since. It's been quite a trip.
First off, though, I feel the need to defend myself. While I am obviously addicted to a) parenting books and b) worrying about my children's education...I honestly do not consider myself a school snob. I spent some of my childhood in private schools, but I also spent a good portion of it in some excellent (and not so excellent) public schools both in Georgia (excellent) and California (not so excellent). In fact some of my fondest memories are those from my time in public school...when the Georgia public schools were well-funded and not under constant pressure to perform to a series of tests in order to receive additional funds. We had P.E. every day (though this is NOT a source of any fond memories for me) and a full band and orchestra and choir and tons of art classes. Sigh. I digress. My point is, I didn't start this journey with a chip on my shoulder about public schools.
Back to my current investigations. Frankly, I feel like I'm going in circles. Just when I think I've reached a conclusion or found a solution...something else rears it's head (ugly or otherwise) and I'm thrown right back into the chaos of trying to figure out what the fuck we're going to do.
A while back I mentioned homeschooling but at the time, I was pretty much against the whole damn thing. It just felt like way too much effort, to be brutally honest, and possibly a recipe for how to raise the next Unabomber. But now I'm not so sure. In fact, I'm feeling more and more that it might not be such a bad gig. The fact is...there are an endless number of homeschooling formats to fit every family and temperment under the sun. You can do it all yourself...you can go the "unschooling" route which is where you let the kids lead while you discretely follow...you can sign up with a "virtual" school (of which there are many) and get the help of certified teachers along with a structure curriculum and even school-hosted social events/extracurricular activities and sports...you can hook up with other homeschoolers in your area and form co-ops where you share/trade educational skills and resources...or you can do a little of everything. In fact, the amount of choices are kind of overwhelming and hard to digest in one go.
Why am I circling back to the idea of homeschooling? Aside from the fact that I am at home full time and it's incredibly affordable when compared with private schools....I read a few books. "Of course you did!" I can hear you say. Well what did you expect?! Anyway, first up was the rather depressing and eye-opening book by John Taylor Gatto. An award-winning New York City public school teacher for over 30 years, Gatto has an insiders view of what's wrong with the system. His first book, Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling, is a no-holds barred look at everything that sucks about how education is managed in the U.S. and many countries in the western world. I suspect Mr. Gatto has Libertarian party leanings but once I got past that, I found his short book breathtaking in its ability to poke holes in many of the things we have taken for granted about schooling and education in this country. While he doesn't go so far as to push homeschooling (at least in this book), Gatto is a big proponent of individualized, interest-led learning, less breadth and more depth, the removal of grades, homework, and all the other trappings of today's schools. (quick side note: did you know the whole structure of school: the ringing bells, the rows of desks, the 45 to 60 minute classes, etc were created as a way to prepare 19th century American children for jobs in 19th century factories? Fascinating! And begs the question: why are we still using this format 100 years after the end of the Industrial Age when hardly anyone works in a factory?)
While reading Gatto's book, I was also dabbling in another book...recommended to me by a child therapist: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gordon Neufeld. The focus of this book is less on education (although that does factor in) and more about today's peer-oriented culture and how it damages parent-child relationships and also meddles with normal child development. The gist is parents should be less worried about their child's social life and more focused on deepening the family connection. And if this gets in the way of peer-relationships, all the better. Perhaps you can see how this also feeds into the homeschooling concept. What better way to protect kids from peer influence, bullying, and the bullshit that is today's adolescent culture than to nuture and educate them at home while still providing social opps outside the home? BTW, even if you think the book's premise is total bunk...it's worth a read just to get another point of view.
I finished both books around the same time. And by this point, dear Reader, I was close to a nervous breakdown. But did I stop? No! My next book was all about Waldorf...an educational method that has long intrigued/baffled me. I picked up this book: Understanding Waldorf Education: Teaching from the Inside Out by Jack Petrash (kisses to my handy Kindle which was able to provide instant book gratification even while in Ireland!). Much to my surprise/amusement, the foreward was written by none other than the aforementioned John Taylor Gatto. This seemed like a sign of some sort...and indeed, the book helped me understand and respect the whole Waldorf thing without going into some of the founder, Rudolf Steiner's, more -- er -- interesting ideas. While I suspect Waldorf only works for certain types of personalities...it sounds like the type of school I would have LOVED as a child.
So where does that leave me now? Well, I've signed up for four school tours in the next four weeks (all private; one Montessori and one Waldorf, two more traditional, all with small class sizes and a focus on the individual) and I have been investigating homeschooling on the side (just in case the whole lottery/windfall inheritance thing doesn't pan out). I've decided for good that public school just isn't going to work for us, good district or otherwise. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not ANY school will work...but that's TBD. I want my kids to enjoy being kids minus the pressure to grow up fast. And between you and me, college aside, some of my best learning experiences were those I pursued OUTSIDE school on my own time with a helpful nudge or two from my parents. Might this also be the same for most kids, including my own?
To be continued....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
