Work, Money, Family: Striking a Balance

A few days ago a friend told me about a discussion she'd had recently with her husband.

But before I get into that, let me give you some background. My friend was laid off from her job shortly after me and, also like me, instantly turned into a full-time "stay-at-home" mom. While the transition wasn't easy (take note working moms and dads...going from a full-time desk job to a full-time parenting job is not for the faint of heart), I think it's safe to say she's happier now than she was at her paying job. She gets to spend more quality time with her young children--something she personally finds very fulfilling--and the frequently immense pressure of being on at work and at home is no longer hers to bear.

Unfortunately, as is often the case--particularly with families who have suddenly gone from having two breadwinners to one--she and her husband will soon need to figure out their finances. She's still receiving unemployment and that'll tide them over for a few more months at least. But when it stops...what next?

So as I was saying at the start of this post, she and her husband recently had a conversation. It went something like this:

She: We need to discuss our finances.
He: Yes indeed. I think you need to start looking for a job.
She: [silence]
He: Something wrong?
She: Well, it's just that being at home feels like it's the right thing for me to do at the moment. I think it's good for the kids too...and I'm happier.
He: Yeah, but pretty soon we're going to need more money. And what about the decision we made to send the kids to that private school? We won't be able to afford it on our current income.
She: Yes, well, that goes without saying. But why do I need to make the sacrifice to go out and get a job? Is that the best decision for our family?
He: But what else can we do?
She: Have you considered going and getting yourself another job? One that pays more?
He: But I LIKE the job I have now!
She: And I LIKE the job I have now!
-- long pause --
He: But you're not earning a paycheck.
She: No. But I am raising our children and keeping our household running smoothly. And I'm happier now than I ever was at work. Isn't that more important?

Indeed.

Why, I feel compelled to ask, are we parents forced to choose between our personal happiness, our kids, and money? It hardly seems fair.

Please understand. I'm not judging parents who prefer to work outside the home. I realize career fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes whether your career is that of a business executive or a stay-at-home parent. And I do believe, with some planning, it is possible to work outside the home full time or part time and continue be an excellent mom or dad. Just as it is possible to spend the majority of your time taking care of young kids and still be an intelligent and articulate person.

But why is it that one of the most important jobs of all--raising the next generation of voters, politicians, healers, scientists, parents, artists, etc--constantly feels like it's getting shoved to the back of the closet? Why should dedicating your life to editing and writing marketing copy for a mid-sized enterprise (as I did for many years) be treated as any more important than raising a family?

Based on the conversation between my friend and her husband, the fact that she is happier with her kids and feels being at home with them is the right thing for her family obviously doesn't carry enough weight in the bigger picture. I suspect you are only permitted to keep a job you enjoy if it either pays enough to keep the family afloat or you are independently wealthy and therefore don't have to worry about your income. I also suspect this is a realization anyone from a lower income family came to a long time ago.

What's my point? I'm not entirely sure. It'd be pretty silly to expect stay-at-home parents to get a paycheck. Or would it? What about France or Germany or Italy or all the other countries that make every effort to ensure parents have the full financial support and time they need to stay at home with young children?

I find myself wondering if any studies have been done that link lower child abuse and divorce rates with countries that provide extensive financial and career options to parents. I wouldn't be surprised. I mean how great would it be to know that when and if you did return to work, the job you left would still be waiting for you and your children would be placed in high-quality, state-run care centers which cost--at most--10% to 15% of your income? And how great would it be to receive paid leave until each child's third birthday? Talk about taking a HUGE weight off of moms and dads. If this is what socialism looks like, sign me up!

Ok. I realize it's not all sunshine and roses over in Europe. And while some things, like childcare and parental paid leave and job protection, are super cool...there are lots of other things that aren't so great (None of which come immediately to mind at the moment. I can't stop thinking about the 30+ days of vacation time our Froggy friends receive every year).

But I digress.

Anyway, is it really so much to ask that we, as a society, place more value on raising (and educating) our kids than we currently do on the almighty dollar? Because as I look around me at the continued fallout from our failed economy, I have to question how well our current values are working. And these children who we are all struggling to find time for in-between 6:00am conference calls, mandatory lunch and dinner schmooze fests, international business trips, and the constant--dare I say neurotic--checking of our Blackberries, they are the ones who are going to have to clean up the mess we've left behind.

Shouldn't we at least ensure we're doing all we can to start them off on the right foot by supporting their parents? After all, happy, fulfilled parents make great role models and are likely to produce happy, fulfilled children.

PS After I finished this post, I stumbled across a book review on Salon that talks a little bit about some of the things I mention above (but be warned, it's primarily targeted towards women).