NOTE: I was inspired to write this loooooong (you've been warned) post based on an email exchange I had last week with a dear friend (hello M!). She and her husband very recently became new parents and are having a difficult time adjusting. Who didn't? Most of this stuff will probably be old news to anyone who's been a parent for longer than a year. But feel free to add your comments if you have additional words of wisdom!
News Flash: Parenting requires a lot of work. And if you have a partner—I don't care if your family consists of two men and a child, two women and a child, the more traditional configuration, or a pack of wolves—it is very important to develop a strong working relationship with the other parent as soon as possible. You and your partner are supposed to be a team. As in "working together to raise your children to ensure they grow up in an emotionally stable and physically healthy environment."
It sounds great on paper. But it’s not always easy to implement. It can be hard to go from being an independent adult to a parent. And when you've got two adults making the adjustment together, it becomes that much more challenging. The truth is, in order to make it work, you need to figure out how to focus on your child, your individual needs, and the needs of your relationship--all at once.
For those of you who have yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and yes, there is a light), allow me to proffer some unasked for advice.
1) Always remember a very small person now relies on you to make decisions on his/her behalf. Rather than let this fact stress you out or depress you…I recommend you simply embrace it for what it is. Sit with it for a while. Let the truth of it sink in. And then let it guide your actions and behavior as much as possible. You’ll make mistakes. We all do. But you’re in luck: children are very forgiving creatures.
2) In the first year of having a child, many of us are intimidated by our new role as parents. Been there, done that. Let's just say until I was forced to return to work after M turned four months old, I spent the majority of my maternity leave a veritable prisoner of my home. I was afraid to go out on my own, terrified of what might happen. And I isolated myself instead of reaching out to other new moms who might be dealing with the same feelings and fears. If this sounds like you, pay close attention to what I'm about to say. Instead of hiding, use this time to empower yourself as a parent. Stretch your comfort zone. Try new things. Join a mom's group. Create some new routines and discard the ones that aren't working. Organize (or re-organize) your life a bit more. Dare to plan ahead. Enjoy yourself. TAKE CHARGE!
3) Before that cute little baby grows into a gun-toting toddler, PLEASE for the love of GOD, try to iron out any issues, differences, obstacles that currently exist between you and your partner. While you may be able to manage a baby with a partner who isn’t on the same page as you, you WILL NOT be able to manage a toddler under the same circumstances. I suspect the most saintly, balanced parents on earth (Joseph and Mary perhaps?) still lost it from time to time when confronted with an angry, backtalking, tantrum-throwing toddler (question: did toddler Jesus ever throw himself on the floor of Joseph's workshop and have a complete 10-minute meltdown?)
4) An unhappy parent does not a good parent make. If you are miserable, angry, tired, overworked, overwhelmed, or all of the above….please, please, PLEASE seek help ASAP. In an ideal situation, your partner will step in and provide support. But if it's not enough OR if you're partner is feeling the exact same way (or just plain useless), then find (or make) a friend, get counseling, hire help….but do not let yourself fall apart at the seams. It’s not good for you, your child, or your relationship. Repeat after me: Being a good parent means I will take care of myself to ensure I have adequate mental and physical energy to care for my kid. It also means I will set boundaries with my partner to ensure I am not stuck doing the bulk of the work. Period.
This next paragraph may sound overly dramatic. But listen up! Statistics show the most stressful time in a marriage is after the arrival of a child. There's nothing like a new baby to force marital issues out into the open. In many cases these issues can be chalked up to hormones, lack of sleep, and stress and tend to fade in the first few months. But in other cases, these issues are symptomatic of a much bigger and more serious problem. Given the whole child and spousal abuse thing, this is not something to be taken lightly. Read on.
5) In the unfortunate event that you have an uncooperative partner (and you're sure it's not just a result of the fatigue that comes with a new baby), I'm very, very sorry. I can't think of anything more wretched than being a new parent while also having to manage a challenging relationship. If you've already tried talking with your partner, going to counseling, or even hiring outside help to give you some downtime--and things still suck--it's time to take a good, hard look at the situation, reread point #1 at the top of this list, do some soul searching, and move into action mode. I can't tell you what exactly you should do in the circumstances. But I will say, based on past observation, if you have to choose between going solo as a parent or staying in a difficult and unhappy relationship, you're better off going solo. Because, if you have an uncooperative spouse...you are, to all intents and purposes, already a solo parent in everything but the legal sense. And meanwhile, all that stress and negative energy is slowly sucking the life out of you and your child.
6) Last but not least, as you and your partner start figuring out this whole parenting thing and what it means for you as individuals and a couple, I highly recommend you invest in at least one or two really good discipline books. I can hear you now, "Discipline?! Are you serious? My baby is so sweet...and I'm never going to [fill in the blank with discipline technique your parents used which you swore you'd never, ever do]!!" Yes, I know it's hard to believe. But that sweet little lovebug you snuggle with and coo over every day will quickly evolve into a child with opinions, thoughts, emotions, and a voice of his/her very own. And the toddler years, while incredibly fun and exciting, can also be equally frustrating, maddening, and stressful. Best to start arming yourself with some good advice and techniques so you are as prepared as can be when the time comes. I HIGHLY recommend this book and this book for new parents. One gives a good overview of the positive discipline technique. The other talks about ages 0-3 and what you can do. When your child nears age three, pick up this one.
Being a new parent is both incredibly blissful and highly challenging. But it's doable. For millions of years, women and men have raised children in all sorts of circumstances. Many have done it alone. Regardless of what your situation is, remember this simple fact: you CAN do it. And, in spite of the challenges, it truly will be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. That's a promise.
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Thanks J; you've just given me a lot to think about. I've been trying to get my partner to spend some time talking with me about, responsibilities, routines, plans, etc but so far I am treated like a nag. I have to find a way to make him understand the importance of this -- this is my life. I have left my job, lost my independence, taken on this HUGE challenge (trust me, I love my girl so much it hurts and am very glad I get to be a stay-at-home-mom). But while my life has become (insert paragraph on what it's like to be a mom) his seems to have become easier: He now has a house cleaner, a cook, someone to do that paperwork he didn't have time for, to call the plumber, to nanny his baby and be sure she is clean, fed, and happy so that he can bounce her on his knee in the evenings before the bed routine that he often disregards (e.g. walking in the room and talking to me during "quiet time"). It's going to be quite the challenge to get through to him! wow maybe i should start a blog of my own -- from which to rant lol!
ReplyDeleteMy dear A, I'm going to ask you a few questions. You don't need to respond to me. These questions are for you to ask of yourself. I hope they will help provide you with some direction for the future. Everyone else, apologies for what will likely turn into an overwhelmingly large comment post.
ReplyDelete1) Do you think your partner is going to change? In other words, is his behavior due to cluelessness? Or is it more fundamental to his overall personality? I ask this because so often, people in a challenging relationship will focus far too long on trying to encourage the other person to modify his/her behavior. But the truth is, unless that person a) wants to change b) sees something wrong with the way he/she is acting and c) is willing to "see the light", you may be wasting your time.
2) If you were in the exact same situation with your partner (but you did not have a child to worry about/care for) would you still be interested in trying to work things out? Or would you be more likely to head for the hills and start over? I ask this because very often, decisions we wouldn’t think twice about prior to having kids suddenly seem that much more difficult when we have a child. In some cases this can simply be because the idea of parenting solo is so scary, we’d rather do it with an incompetent twit than by ourselves. Or it could be economical…if you don’t have a job and leaving the person means you are also leaving your sole income…well that can be scary too. Or perhaps it’s simply because you have an idea in your head of what it means to have a child and be married…and damn it, you’re going to make it work even if it kills you in the process. The truth is, if you know you would have done things very differently in the same situation before you had your baby…then I believe, deep down inside, you already know what it is you need to do. It’s just a matter of coming to terms with it and taking appropriate action.
(too many words for comment box so I split my comment up. read next comment for continuation).
3) If you think your partner is willing to change, what steps can the two of you take together to rectify the situation? Do you need family counseling? A parenting class? Books? All of the above? Again, you cannot make him change. He needs to want to do it. And then he needs to back up his words with actions that show he is serious about changing his behavior.
ReplyDelete4) Let’s say you’ve tried to turn things around but it just doesn’t seem to be working. At what point are you willing to throw in the towel (whatever that may mean for you)? Do you have to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Do you have to be depressed? Does your child have to start showing signs of stress? Does your partner have to begin verbally and/or physically intimidating you and/or your child? It’s very critical you set boundaries for yourself and on behalf of your child. It may very well be your partner is simply an insensitive boob at the moment but deep down, loves you both and will do whatever he can to get his act together so he can become a supportive and loving husband and father. But maybe not. In which case, you must have outlined (in your own head) at what point you won’t take it any longer and what that will mean for you, your child, and your relationship in the bigger picture. Don’t keep redrawing the line in the sand. Acknowledge to yourself, clearly, at what point you will consider things to have gotten out of hand and plan for what steps you will take should that ever come to pass.
5) Do you have family and friends nearby who you can spend time with? A strong support network is crucial when you have a child. It doesn’t matter if things are great in your relationship or it’s all going to hell in a hand basket. You simply MUST have at least one person in the same neighborhood/town/whatever to whom you can turn to for advice, conversation, support, and perhaps a place to stay with your child should you ever simply need a break from your partner OR (God forbid) somewhere safe to go. Many of my friends are from overseas or have families who live across the country. The majority has either moved closer to their families. Those who haven’t have created new families here in the form of a tight-knit group of friends (made up of other families). The whole “it takes a village to raise a child” isn’t just a cliché. It’s the truth.
I wish you the very best of luck. It sounds like you are in a challenging situation. Just remember to trust your instincts and stay safe.
Thank goodness my husband isn't a slacker. Of course I do more (most moms do), but he is supportive or I'd be out the door.
ReplyDeleteI think to some degree we all feel this way, right? Who wants to be stuck with a useless waste of space for a partner? I also suspect it's easier to contemplate ditching a dud than it is to actually do it, you know? Heading for the hills is definitely an option, and in many cases a good and necessary one. But sadly it's not nearly as simple as grabbing baby, a bag of chips, and walking out the door.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing...I've noticed from talking to friends that the husband who seems like a real gem BEFORE baby arrives can turn into an A-Grade wanker AFTER the fact. Maybe it's the stress of the new situation? Or, as in two cases I know of first-hand, the person really is an a-hole but it took having a kid for the wife to figure it out.