Parenthood's Biggest Surprises: The Unedited Version

Recently some friends--a married couple who are contemplating the journey into parenthood--asked me what my biggest surprise was when I had kids. Not wanting to scare or depress them, I responded with the usual nonsense about how unexpectedly strong and instantaneous my love was when each of my daughters arrived on the scene. And then I downed the rest of my vodka martini.

But seriously. This is a question we parents get all the time from parents-to-be. And I can recall asking similar questions of my friends with kids prior to embarking on my own parenting adventure. I too received the stock answers: "the deep love I feel for my children," "how much I love being a mom/dad!" intermingled with a few more honest ones: "how little sleep I actually need to function", "poop comes in so many different colors!"

Now that I'm a mom, I've compiled my own list of the real, no-holds barred surprises of parenting. And I'd like to share it with you. If you don't have kids of your own, I apologize in advance for any damage this may do to your current view about parenthood. But I promise, should you decide to have kids, you will thank me for my honesty later (when that time comes, let me know and I'll buy you a much deserved drink).

J's List of Biggest Parenting Surprises In No Particular Order:

1) In spite of peaceful images like this one (does anyone else think the boob in this painting looks a bit lost here?), breastfeeding was possibly one of the most painful and frustrating experiences I have EVER had, even taking nine months of pregnancy and childbirth into consideration.
2) Carrot and sweet potato spit-up cause stains the likes of which you have not seen before (but will continue to see forever once it makes a home on your shirt, rug, pants, blankets, etc).
3) I can spend hundreds of dollars on children's toys but no matter how colorful, award-winning, cute, eco-sensitive, and chemical free said toy is, it won't be able to top a piece of tinfoil or a wooden spoon.
4) You don't really know your friends (or who your real friends are) until you have kids.
5) No matter how squeamish you may be about bodily functions, if your child is constipated and screaming you will, without thinking, roll up your sleeves and do whatever it takes to remove the object in question. And then you will never, ever, ever reveal the exact nature of what this entailed to another living soul.
6) My desire to see my kids grow and develop is equally as strong as my desire for them to stay young, innocent, and devoted to me. I suspect I will spend many years of my life trying to come to terms with this.
7) At 3:00am, when my sick baby is so congested she can barely breath, I will think nothing of sucking the snot out of her nostrils using my handy-dandy French nasal aspirator. (One of the first words M understood as a young toddler was "snot sucker," the sight of which would send her into fits of terror. Lest you think I'm the only person who refers to this marvelous tool as a snot sucker, read on).
8) Getting sick no longer means spending a day in bed with a book or sleeping. Instead, it typically involves parking your child in front of the TV so you can fall into an exhausted heap on the sofa for 30 minutes. It also means popping Dayquil until you are so wired, it feels like you've done several lines of cocaine (don't worry mom and dad, I'm only guessing about the coke thing).
9) Cooking dinner has gone from being a pleasant, relaxing experience that allows me to express myself creatively to a frenzied, multi-tasking nightmare.
10) No matter how hard you try, your first child will, as a baby, inevitably a) have more photos and videos taken of her and b) receive significantly more attention and focus than your second child. Be prepared to hear about this inequality ad nauseum for the rest of your life.
11) Never before has a sneeze or cough or the words, "my ear hurts" sent such terror into my heart as they do now.
12) Boredom is no longer an inconvenience, but a luxury. If I am bored, it means I have free time. And if I have free time, I am very lucky indeed.
13) Before I had kids, weekends were a time of rest and the work week was something to be dreaded. After I had kids and before I was laid off, the work week was a time of rest and weekends felt like 48-hour marathons. Now that I'm a stay-at-home mom...I feel like I'm competing in the eternal triathalon from hell.
14) Two of the most beautiful things I've ever heard: my daughters laughing together on the living room floor and the deep silence that falls over our house in the evening when both kids are finally asleep.