Just so you know, this is not a typical activity for me. When I look for someone online, it's generally because I actually plan to get in touch with them...as opposed to sneaking a peek at them from afar. But for whatever reason (my mind, as you probably realize by now, works in mysterious ways) this evening I decided to play detective and see what, if anything, I could find out about a few people I used to know.
For the most part, I came across little of interest aside from the fact that a few exes are now married and appear to be developing paunches and/or receding hairlines (then again, who isn't?). My first college boyfriend is living in Tennessee and has apparently taken up hiking. And an old pal from college seems to have found God and the Republican party (thank goodness someone still likes the GOP!). Makes me wonder what my internet stalkers must think when they pick over the trail of pictures, white papers, book reviews, and comments I've left behind in cyberspace.
Then I hit a mini-goldmine.
Turns out my last serious boyfriend--before K arrived on the scene--is now living in Petaluma (by way of Austin, TX) with his wife and two young kids. And they've opened what appears to be a seriously awesome preschool. When I say seriously awesome...I mean in the "non-toxic cleaners, all-wood toys, organic lunches, eco-focused, Reggio Emilia approach" way. The place looks adorable based on the website and photos. And, dare I say, if it were magically transported about two miles up the road from my house and not owned and managed by my ex and his wife--I'd totally send my kids there!
So now I'm experiencing a strange mixture of feelings: guilt and regret for spending time looking up people I haven't seen or spoken to in years when I could have been sleeping; surprise at just how easy it is to find out things about people via the internet; a desire to know more about these former acquaintances than the mere snippets I came across online (How did A end up being a hardcore church goer considering her affiliation with all things Wicca? Why did R move to Tennessee instead of Maui where his parents live? What strange twist of fate led J to leave Texas and his successful engineering job to open a preschool in Petaluma with his wife?); and to some degree, a sense of closure. But foremost in my mind is the suspicion that while others have apparently found a degree of purpose in their lives...I have not.
Don't get me wrong. I'm happy with who I am. I love my family, my friends, my home. But am I doing all that I could be? I'd once toyed with the idea of opening a preschool (seriously)...and writing a book...and becoming a life coach...and a travel writer. But none of those things have come to pass. And I'm beginning to suspect they never will. Frankly, it's hard not to feel envious of those who have taken the glimmer of an idea and actually turned it into something concrete. I can never seem to manage to get past the idea stage.
Maybe this sense of regret stems, in part, from my upcoming birthday. 40 is looming ever closer along with the (purely self-imposed) pressure to have something to show for myself. Dear God...am I headed for a mid-life crisis? Does this mean you can soon expect to see me tooling around town in a red convertible with a tanned boy-toy on my arm? Or maybe I'll do the female equivalent and invest in a brand new face and body, complete with inflato lips.
Anyway, for those of you who are interested in doing some virtual stalking of your own--beware. It may turn out to be a colossal waste of time. You might find out something you wished you hadn't. Or you may, with the evidence of others' perceived successes, be forced to face some tough facts about your own life. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Anyway, for those of you who are interested in doing some virtual stalking of your own--beware. It may turn out to be a colossal waste of time. You might find out something you wished you hadn't. Or you may, with the evidence of others' perceived successes, be forced to face some tough facts about your own life. Don't say I didn't warn you.
PS for the curious, here's the link to J's preschool.
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