Is Preschool Bad for Kids?

When participating in a lot of "alternative" groups (passively or otherwise) one frequently come across things that at best, challenge your perspective and force you to rethink your own views and at worst, make you tilt your head and go "Are these people living on the same planet as me? I think not."

Recently, I came across an example of this. However, I wanted to throw it out to you as something to ponder. First, I'll let you read through the item yourself. Then I'll tell you what I think. And afterwards, please feel free to share your own thoughts. Apologies for the length...this is not something I was able to link to as I received it in an email newsletter. I shrunk the font to make it lest cumbersome.

ASK NAOMI: PRESCHOOL OR NOT? by Naomi Aldort

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”- Albert Einstein

Q: Our daughter is four and very curious and social. Even though I am at home with her baby brother, we signed her up for a wonderful small alternative pre-school. After a short adjustment period in which she cried when I left, she became happy there. Yet, after Christmas break she refused to go back and it has become a struggle every morning. I know she enjoys herself once she is at school but she doesn’t want to leave me. I don’t want to deprive her of a learning and social opportunity, but, I also want to listen to her choice. What would you suggest?

A: What do you recall from age four? If you are like most, you remember close to nothing. What you recall are feelings, sensations, faces and fragments of visuals. Nothing you know today relies on what you learned in these early years in a school. Instead, it relies on how you felt about yourself.

Your wish to respond to your child’s choice is worth trusting. What else can be more valuable for her than learning that the way she feels inside is right? In school, your daughter will not remember the learning or the play, but she will remember the pain of separation and of learning not to trust what she feels inside. Learning to follow external guides and ignore her own, she will later become susceptible to media influences, peer pressure and other external forces.

You also say you don’t want her to miss social and learning opportunities. How can socializing with family who love her the most be called “missing” something? When with mother she does not miss school. When at school, she misses mother.

Pre-school is socially unnatural. By taking young children away from their source of power, mother, and putting them together in a group of similar ages (unable to help each other,) we render them helpless. In this impossible and unnatural setting they fail to socialize on their own and depend on adult control to be able to function and stay safe. Such experience teaches the child to see herself as socially failing and dependent on authority.

The best group experience for a young child is the family. It is a group that is doing things together and in which each member is highly valued and loved. If you had to work, I would talk about empowering your daughter to find joy in her substitute care. However, since you are at home, there is no need to take your daughter away from what is best for her.

Likewise, your child does not miss any learning while at home. It is while in a pre-school that she has to suspend her own learning for the sake of an imposed program. Uninvited teaching thwarts learning and prevents the child from inventing her own methods. When inventing her own ways of figuring things out, the child's brain develops by far more than through following instructions. At home she is free to follow the blueprint of her own mind for optimal timing, and in her own way.

Your child’s social and learning skills come from feeling secure in your love and in her own inner guide.

The “Full Term” child

If the baby is born prematurely, her life and well being is at risk. Prematurity is not desirable, full term is. In the same way, the family is the “womb” of childhood. Children who remain in the family “womb,” emerge at full term emotionally strong and ready to flourish in society. Your child must rely on parental power until she has her own; only then she has the strength to stay rooted in herself in the face of the barrage of influences and choices she is going to face.

Most developmental stages happen on their own quiet suddenly, like birth and like walking. Our attempt at gradually training wee ones to become adults causes them much anxiety and confusion. I often see youth who have been “stuffed” with education from a young age, become exhausted and burdened by the race of living up to expectations and those who had autonomy over the same years, achieving their goals with joy and ease, often, all at once.

"But she had such a good time at school"

It is easy to be fooled by a child’s ability to have fun in the moment. Once your daughter is clear that she must stay in school (even her tears didn’t help her,) she is wise enough to immerse herself in the present. However, of her own free will, no young child would choose to be away from mom; this is nature’s way to ensure optimal intellectual and social development. Therefore, no matter how much a child enjoys herself in a school or in a class, it is not worth the price of teaching her to go against herself.

In addition, your child’s social skills are learned by the way she is treated. If you want her to learn to honor other people (an important social skill,) honor her.

Some parents are sure that their child is totally happy in a school setting from day one. I am open. I cannot know each particular child or family situation. And yet, I suspect that given the choice, before getting used to a school, every child would rather be with her loving mom and family.

Providing nurturance and stimulation at home

Our society is generally over stimulating and competitive, distracting children from their own inner guidance. Protect your daughter from such pressures. Keep in mind Einstein’s famous words, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” Let your daughter play and day-dream so she can come up with her own interests, methods of learning and creative thinking.

She may need one friend to play with, preferably a much older child. As for intellectual and cultural exposure, include your daughter in what you love to do and join her emerging interests. At age four, home, play, music, dance, art, books and nature are all she needs and all available at home.

The longer your daughter is spared any indoctrination, the better her chances to optimize her own talents, social skills and learning. When her choice is honored she will learn the only lesson that counts: “My inner voice is the one to listen to.”

So, where to start?

Here's my polite response: I commend this woman (who, by the way is a highly touted expert in certain attachment parenting circles and frequently lectures across the country and internationally) for taking what, I'm sure, is a controversial stance. What is more normal than preschool? I mean, isn't that the way it should be? Don't kids thrive in an environment when mixed with other kids? Don't they learn more this way? Or, as she points out, is this an unnatural alternative that we force on children when, in fact, they'd be better off hanging around at home with mom or dad.

And here's my not-so-polite response: BULLSHIT!

The fact is, yes...sometimes my daughter does not want to go to preschool. But more often than not, she eagerly looks forward to it. And as much as I'd love to be the all-nuturing earth mother-type parent, the truth is--I'm not. I love my girls dearly. I love to spend lots of time with them. But I need some time to myself as well so I can recharge my batteries. After all, if I'm putting all my energy into my children, how can I stay well-rounded and "keep the saw sharpened" so I can stay at the top of my game? The best way for me to be an excellent parent is to honor myself so I can then honor my child. If that means I work outside the home and my child goes to preschool, so be it. If that means I stay at home and my child stays with me (or goes to preschool), so be it.

I don't doubt many kids thrive at home. I suspect they sometimes prefer to spend time with mom and dad and siblings. But I also think they thrive in an environment with other children and other adults. A place that is "not home". Let's face it, unless you plan to have your child with you 24/7 for the rest of his/her life...it's important for kids to know how to function oustide the home just as well as they do inside the home. This isn't to say that we should just throw them into daycare from day one. I'm not a big fan of that and when a parent has the time and stamina, I think it may be better for an infant to be with mom (or a parent-like figure) for at least the first year. That said, I can't see the harm in kids going to preschool.

I was talking with my mom about this whole thing earlier. And she pointed out that when she was a kid, preschools didn't really exist. Moms typically stayed at home with the kids and children played in the neighborhood with the other kids while being watched over by a group of collective moms and grandparents. I suspect this type of lifestyle is what one might find in less developed parts of the world...places where very young children are literally raised by an entire village rather than being sent off to a special place to learn. It sure sounds lovely and bucolic and idyllic. But that's not the world we westerners live in today. Rightly or wrongly, we don't all live clustered together in small groups where we are likely related to everyone within a one-mile radius of our home (or hut, as it were). So now, instead of our kids running amok in a village with other people's kids all being looked after by multiple parents....many of our kids run amok with other people's kids in large or small preschools being looked after by multiple parent-substitutes. So aside from the change in locale, how are these things drastically different from one another?

Lastly...let me say this: I am ALL for the idea of attachment parenting. I do believe the best way to raise a child with a good character, strong morals, and excellent coping skills is to provide him/her with a sturdy foundation via a loving, nuturing family. However, 1) Why does it always seem to be solely up to the mom to do all the work? Where is the dad in all of this? Re-read the article above and you will see ZERO mention of a father. Did he drop dead? Does he not exist? WTF?! 2) I'd like to know what happens to the mom (or dad) who pours the very essence of his/her being into a child when said child leaves home for good. Will colleges start implementing "parent" dorms so these poor lost souls can continue to spend every waking (and sleeping) hour next to their children? Or will the "empty nest" syndrome become a mental health crisis of national proportions with depressed, husk-like parents popping pills to ease the separation from their sole reason for existance?

Also, shouldn't good parenting be as much about easing your child into the world as it is about being there for them as much as possible? Isn't it perhaps detrimental to a child if you make yourself totally available to them ALL THE TIME so that they begin to expect this not only of you but of all adults they come into contact with? How does a child learn that he/she may be a focal point for you and the rest of the family...but not for the rest of the world?