Parenting's Dirty Little Secret

Before I became a mother, I -- not surprisingly -- read dozens of books on the topic. I learned all about pregnancy and fetal development, I immersed myself in nutrition books, discipline books, general health and well-being books. I became an expert in the various ways to give birth...from the mundane (hospital? check. epidural? check) to the profound (giant home-birthing tub and two nude parents semi-immersed in warm water? check. long-haired midwife w/ vaguely pagan name and plant-dyed clothing? check). By the time M came along, I felt like a veritable font of information and mother wisdom. All seemed well. At least, that is, until one night not too long after M's birth when it became painfully obvious to me that all those books and web/magazine articles had left a glaring omission: nighttime parenting.

You see, it's all well and good to be a fabulous parent during the day when your kids and you are relatively upbeat and capable of resolving issues together as a team (I can dream, can't I?). But what's a gal/guy to do when said parenting obligations do not take a breather after the kiddies and parents have gone to bed? Between you and me, I believe some of the most critical parent successes and blunders take place at night, in the wee hours after midnight when only truck drivers and 20-years olds are awake. So why on earth does no one want to talk about it?

Sure, sure....there are hundreds of books out there that deal with how to get your infant to sleep through the night. And that's a great place to start. But it's not as if a child's sleep issues suddenly vanish once they reach 12 mos of age. However you might think this was the case given the almost complete lack of books about toddler, preschooler, and grade schooler sleep issues and the impact it has on parents.

If you are still reading this post and wondering what in the hell I'm going on about...consider yourself a very lucky person. If you have a child, yours is one of those blessed "good sleepers" and the only time you've found yourself stumbling blindly about in the dark at 2:00am is when said child isn't feeling well. For the rest of us, we desperately need a manual on how to continue to be a responsive, patient, and calm parent when woken repeatedly every night for the past three months. Because after a long day of caring for young children, we parents need some coping tips on how not to turn into a deranged asshole when said child(ren) forcibly yank us out of a deep slumber to deal with nightmares, thirst, hunger, the call of nature, wet sheets (or PJs or both), a desire to sleep with mom and dad, and much, much more.

As you might surmise...K and I have not been blessed with great sleepers. Z actually isn't all that bad aside from her obvious delight in selecting random nights during which she refuses to go to bed until at least 10:00pm and then spends half the night trying to play with us in the middle of our bed. M, however, is a different kettle of fish altogether. Her night wakings have become the stuff of legend in our home...only, I might add, to be topped by her father's responses to said night wakings. See here's the thing: no one likes to be woken at an ungodly time of the night, especially by a child who appears determined to ensure that all other households within a three-mile radius participate in our nightly shenanigans. But K has taken it to a whole new level to the extent that I now privately refer to daytime K as Dr. Jekyll and nighttime K as Mr. Hyde. Seriously, it's mind boggling to me how the patient, mild-mannered daytime K can transform into a maximum-security prison guard after midnight.

This certainly isn't meant to bash poor K. He works long hours most days and is understandably miffed when his much-needed sleep is regularly interrupted every night by our two kids. And I'm not exactly Mary Sunshine myself during these nightly wakings. Which, to bring this post full circle, is why I firmly believe parents desperately need to be taught coping skills on how to manage their children after hours. Because like it or not, you don't stop being a parent once the lights are off and until the sun peeps up over the horizon the following morning. But no one seems willing to address this fact or the obvious issues that crop up as a result (sleep deprivation, bad sleep habits, etc). For example:

How does one retain a sliver of humanity when faced with a screaming three-year old at 2:43am? Especially when said child refuses to quiet down and ends up waking her previously slumbering younger sister?

How should one parent respond when the other has apparently become possessed and possibly slightly insane as a result of being awoken by a screaming child? Especially if the non-possessed parent is also tired and close to the end of his/her patience?

Should smelling salts be deployed? A quick smack to the face? Cold water? All of the above?

And what are the rules of engagement for the next morning after a night of theatrics that would make Shakespeare himself gnash his teeth in pure envy? Apologies? Hugs? Pretending it never happened? A discussion about why it's not ok to scream for 15 minutes straight in mommy and daddy's bedroom after being repeatedly asked/begged/threatened to stop? A gentle suggestion that mommy/daddy may want to consider keeping a bottle of Valium next to the bed "just in case"?

And if it doesn't work? Then what?

Folks, I think I'm on to something here. This could be a whole new money-making gig for therapists and pharmaceutical companies. You heard it here first! Truthfully, I'm desperate for a solution of some sort...or at least some support and possible coping mechanisms. Because I am sick of playing musical beds and Jungian psychoanalyst at 3:00am. Because I am tired of playing referee between a demon-possessed child and her father. Because for just one @#!$! night, I need to get some goddamn sleep!!