The Babbling Idiot Strikes Again

A few days ago I came across a job opportunity that sounded perfect. It was for a writing position, the salary was exactly what I'd hoped, it was located in San Jose, the company wasn't too big (or too small)...PERFECT! Even though I'm not really looking for work, I figured what the heck. I submitted my resume and a cover letter and --great balls of fire -- I immediately received a call from a very pleasant fellow somewhere in the mid-west.

Sadly, two things happened during the call to pretty much guarantee I wouldn't be getting this job:
1) In spite of the fact that it was listed as a full-time, permanent position on Monster....the job was actually contract with the possibility of turning permanent.
2) I somehow managed, in the longest 20 minutes of my life, to sound like the biggest dipshit EVER.

For those of you who imagine I'm exaggerating in order to make this post more humorous....I wish I were. But I'm not. At one point I was babbling so incoherently about a prior role at a job I held two companies ago that I literally burst out laughing at myself. The poor fellow on the other end of the line was no doubt wishing he weren't such a nice, midwestern man because if, say, he'd grown up in NYC, he'd have hung up on my crazy ass five minutes into the call.

The truth is, watching children all day has many fine, upstanding things going for it. However one of those things IS NOT an improved ability to have a rational, articulate conversation with someone over the age of 10. Seriously, you know you're in trouble when someone asks you to describe what your previous company does (the one you spent over seven years at) and you draw a complete and utter blank.

But it wasn't all bad. Because either Mark, the nicest recruiter on the planet, took pity on me and decided to throw my ego a bone OR he really had no frigging clue about any of the companies I worked for (to the extent that I could have told him the company was in the business of creating those little mouse ear hats you see at Disneyland and he'd have bought it hook, line, and sinker). Yes, in spite of the worst interview performance of my career, Mark asked me to submit my resume and fill out a pre-interview questionnaire vie email.

I almost did it too. But then the whole "contract" thing took the wind out of my sails. I'm not about to scramble to find childcare for a job that's only going to last me a few months at best. So I pulled myself together and wrote my recruiter friend a very nice email that, if he can read between the lines, said:

"Dude, sorry for being a total spaz on the phone today and wasting 20+ minutes of your time. Truth is, I have no business even thinking of working until I can pull my sorry ass together and not completely fuck up a phone interview. Oh, and you might want to adjust the whole "permanent, full-time job" thing on Monster so it reads "contract position". Thanks and please keep me in mind for future positions!"